


Gnossienne

by Vivibop



Category: EXO, EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, EXOXOC, F/F, OC, Other, Romance, bijoux, joonmyeonxoc, junmyeonxoc, kim suho - Freeform, suhoxoc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-21 01:05:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11933121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivibop/pseuds/Vivibop
Summary: gnossiennen. a moment of awareness that someone you've known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life





	1. Prologue

****

 

**prologue**

I heard the agonizing news of a guy who desperately put an end to his lonesome life without his friend by hanging himself. I woke up one day and suddenly, the news of him hanging himself was dissolved into thin air, and instead articles of him being killed and hanged on purpose filled the mourning streets. Was a human's life so trifle and baser to the extent that they had to die for just knowing information they were not supposed to know? And so my barren mind wandered around my surroundings. Would life give me the cold shoulder too because I knew things about him that he didn't want me to know about? Would my lifespan decease just as vainly because he never wanted me there in the first place? Would life shine me on because I never, as he said, fulfilled my part as a wife? I was never a person who chose her life decisions and I always let others grow their wishes and hopes on my barren ambition, on which my wishes and hopes laid as vain dust. I was, as he also said, a hypocrite. Was it because I gave him something he didn't even want? Or maybe because he never knew the true me? Because he never bothered to know, even though we were hugged by those burdening walls for some pointed time? He might have known for a long time that I was never so fond of my life, nor of the perfect portrait we cautiously drew for people to look at and smile so lovingly. He might have known that I hated when people would eat with their mouth open, so he made sure not to do so but he never knew how to embrace me or tell me that everything eventually yearns to be okay. He might have known that I was never a person who would think it was okay to lose but he never knew I was also a girl with a cathartic heart that pumped blood into her veins every 1.2 second just as simply as I sought for I love you's. He might have known that I was like a snake who would crawl into people's mind and convince them that their lives, despite being teemed with unbearable miasmal humid, can still breed love and that they can breathe and rise up from oblivion just as charismatically as a rose stands among the fearless thorns but he never knew how hideously my body had been trying to turn a blind eye to life. He might have known how to be a husband and waste his precious time to pick gifts for my birthday party but he never knew how to talk to me like I was his wife.

It was just a chain of unhappy memories that were so cheaply tied by the two of us, a chain of unhappy memories that he believed was much better than what had happened when he was an innocent child, when the miasma of the dark side of this hideous world crept into his life and left stains all over his transparent and naked soul. Yet, he never really felt sincere happiness warming up his heart nor did he feel his eyes being pushed back by how genuine his smile was. He never felt his hands shaking, or more like dancing, of happiness, and he never experienced butterflies but he felt something of great similarity, but with a painful taste, something that he eagerly hoped he would never feel ever again. He was so used to the dark circles beneath his eyes, to the aching te-tum of his heart, to the worn out skin of his bride, and to the long list of painful events that deteriorated his life but he was just there holding on and enduring it all for some reason he had no idea about. But, little did he know that life will just continue on until all these baser things die into dust and that he will eventually realize that God has always had mercy upon him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

> _**Main Characters** _
> 
> _**Bijoux (OC)** _
> 
> _Portrayed by Kang Sora_
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _**Kim Junmyeon**_
> 
>  
> 
> _**** _
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _**** _
> 
>  

 

**Copyright © 2017 by Vivibop. All Rights Reserved.**


	2. 一

"Oh!"

As soon as the door of my bedroom had been, out of nowhere, slammed with a loud thud, my body took off from my bed, subconsciously throwing my blanket and book across the king-sized bed with a shocked expression plastered all over my face. I was not used to anyone penetrating into my room without permission or at least a slight knock on the door, and I was too absorbed in reading that I didn't even notice someone opening the door. Once I had functioned the person who was standing across the room I heaved a sigh of relief, but soon my relief was replaced with nothing but worry and intenseness as my eyes were locked with his intense gaze. I stood for a couple of seconds beside my bed, my small figure swallowed into the big master room, it hadn't been long but I thought it was time to avert my eyes from that intense gaze of his. I have always hated looking deeply into someone's eyes even though I was not an introvert and I never really understood what it is like to be one but I still felt extremely uncomfortable around people who like to look deeply into others' eyes. The atmosphere surrounding us heaved with more and more awkwardness by every passing second, and somehow, I found myself intertwining my fingers nervously together for some reason I did not really know.

_Was I nervous?_

"What do you want?" I sighed my words heavily as I regained my strength and bravery once again, trying to shrug off the shock that took over my body at his sudden burst into my room. I sat down on my bed, put both of my legs on the bed and wrapped the blanket around them anew. As soon as I realized he was not yet ready to say whatever he had to say as he remained silent for what seemed like the longest time ever, I got a hold of my book and searched for the page I was previously reading when he suddenly burst into our room,  _my room_. I read the first two lines of a page I didn't even reach before, just trying to look absorbed in reading, but as I read them over and over again, I finally realized that I would never be able to concentrate while he was wondering around the room as if he had never seen it before.

"What is it?!" I slightly raised my voice after giving up ignoring him. He shifted uncomfortably from one leg to the other as he averted his eyes from the vase he was silently observing and locked our his gaze with mine once again, this time mine holding an intense look while his flickered with an uncomfortable one, as if he had regretted ever entering my room.

"I am here to talk about what happened last week?" He finally collected his courage or whatever was stopping him from voicing his thoughts out to tell me what he came here for. His words earned nothing from me but a quiet laugh and a sneer. He had no right to enter my room the way he did, talk to me in that tone he held in his voice, or even look me in the eyes, but he was shameless enough to be able to do such things. The shamelessness held in his intimidating eyes had the aura that would make you feel as if you are the who started it all, the one who has been wrong all along, the aura that would make you feel as if you are the one who is guilty and who needs to apologize, and as much as I hate admitting it, he had that exact effect on me for just by looking at his gaze right now, I blamed myself for ever having the thought of visiting his office last week cross my mind, for being careless enough to let such thoughts invade my mind and conquer my sick and weak emotions.

I tried my best, I really did try my best to build up all the courage I have scattered within my body, those broken pieces which are long lost and sickly dissolved into my poorly-treated constitution. Regardless of how much I hated being rude to people, even towards people whom I hate and hold great grudge against, such as the one standing across the room. I had to put my weak emotions aside, I had to let my love and one-sided appreciation slip out of my mind, I had to be tough, or at least act as if I'm tough, I had to voice out my silent traumas and poisonous emotions, even if it turns out to be nothing like I had expected, as it had always been like,  _around him_. I had to do it for the sake of the last broken piece that I have hold tightly on from the painful massacre of my dignity, I had to do it for the sake of  _me_.

"To talk about what? How much of a coward you are?" I scoffed, a laugh of amusement filled my-full-of-venom words as I slightly rolled my eyes, but as soon as I was done with rolling my eyes I tried my best to hold onto my courage to meet his gaze again, knowing that if I avoided his gaze I would look nothing but a coward myself. I spoke whisperingly once again with my venom-spitting voice, with my intense gaze and tensed muscles "Save it. I already know how much of a coward you are."

A smile, no, not a smirk but  _a smile_  appeared on his face, something that made me tense even more, I had never expected him to smile, not so genuinely, upon hearing those words. He started talking with the most calm voice I have ever heard my whole life of being married to him, a whole span of 4 years, as he approached the seat thrown across the room in an abandoned corner that I inhibited so long ago, a chair which I purposely put before the big window that replaced a cemented wall to show the beauty of the outer world. It might sound funny, but on the contrary of what I am now, before marriage I was a whole different person, a hopeful person, full of colors, dressed in colors and even provided everyone around me with colorfulness full of happiness and hopefulness. I chose this house,  _with him_ , because I thought it was beyond beautiful, I thought it was the house of my dreams, surrounded by tall trees from the west, a small lake on the east, and a whole beautiful garden that kids are used to play in every holiday in front of it, I am the one who designed the wall, required for the cemented one to be demolished and to be rebuilt in nothing but glass, glass to be able to see the beauty of the world, to be able to witness the beauty of God's creation, whether in the happiness of those tall trees clinging onto each other or the happiness that hued the garden every holiday, when kids happily gathered and played together for hours. Sadly, now I do not really see any beauty, I no longer dare to even look at the beauty of pureness and innocence that filled the kids' souls.

_How can I see beauty in a place in which my beauty was liquidated and buried?_

_Can an eye that lost its innocence long time ago **not**  refract and distort the pureness and beauty of things? _I did not really know.

"Since when did you start speaking so disrespectfully? How can a Woman of the Year prize-winner be so disrespectful towards her own loving husband?" His sarcastic smile turned into a one-sided smirk that was too necessary to provoke me even more. He did not lie, I was really a prize-winner for having the public and peers' respect for, and I quote, my enthusiasm, integrity and heart. I had always been favored by everyone around me for I had always accepted whatever my parents, teachers, friends and non-friends asked me to do with a big smile on my face regardless of how much I internally hated how much people around me only liked me because I did what they wanted me to do, and not for myself. My life was never mine, it has always been guided by others, and everything had always been decided for me. And whenever I had the courage to voice out my own decisions I would find that everyone was already one step ahead of me just as the shortest sad story I had when I had always dreamed to pursue my career as a writer and I was ready to tell my parents, who never knew about my dreams, about it and I found that my father was already one step ahead of me as he had already had everything ready for me to start studying medicine, without even bothering to put in consideration that I have something called ' _an opinion' 'a dream' or even 'a decision'._ That day, I remember how my smile withered upon hearing my father's words of carelessness. I was too shocked that I couldn't even fight back and all I did back then was let an oblivious tear roll down my cheek as I nodded my head and walked away along with my withering dreams.

"I only speak respectfully with people I respect, and last time I checked you really weren't one of them." I simply stated putting my lips into a thin line and averting my eyes to the book I held in my hands once again after noticing a slightly annoyed furrow of eyebrows on his face. He barely saw this side of me, it wasn't really a wild side, but it was really weird of me to have such an attitude when in reality I barely talk back to anyone,  _anymore_. Each time he saw this / _ironically/ wild side_  of me, it would cause nothing to him but pure confusion, and this time was no exception, really.

"Is it the time of the month? A couple of days ago you were practically begging for mercy?" His statement of  _true events_  that happened a couple of days ago were voiced out as a question, as to question my whole weird attitude towards him. He did not fail to irritate me, he never really did fail to do so. He did notice the quite sudden change of feelings on my face and his lips, once again, flew upwards into a one-sided smirk as he noticed the symptoms of the perfect me's lack of control over my anger.

"Do you really think this is funny?" I held the page of the book I had been holding for a good 15 minutes tightly, my upper lip quivering angrily, something I couldn't stop when anger took the best of me. My fingers dug more deeply into the page as they crawled inwardly to form a fist along with the paper I held, I hastily cut the paper as I took my fist off the book and threw it aggressively on the floor as I abruptly stood up causing the blanket I was once wrapped into to fall lifelessly on the cold ceramic floor. What I did caused nothing but more amusement to be plastered on his hideously beautiful face. "Do you really take what you did last week so lightly?" I screamed every stressed word at the top of my lungs, my scream filled with anger and somewhere deeply down it filled with hurt, my chest expanded up and down, and my slightly glassy eyes sent daggers right through his own amused ones. "Look at me like this one more time and I will make sure to wipe it with my own bare hands!" I continued to yell at him but that was of no effect to him, his facial expression remained the same as nothing of the things I have just said had been said.

"Why do you think I am here then?" The amusement that once filled his facial expression was now wiped off his face as if it had never been there. A serious, intimidating look took over his face as he eyed my angrily trembling body questioningly, and even though he didn't actually roll his eyes, I believe he did, deep down. "Do you really think I am here to try to be a husband?" His voice raised by each word he voiced out but his voice was never loud enough to be considered yelling, yet, he was not able to throw his the look of ascending frustration into complete oblivion. Even though I didn't really know why he was getting mad when I am the only one who should, and is allowed to, be angry here, I totally understood the reason behind it and my theory was confirmed by his next cold words. "I just came here to make sure what happened is buried six feet underground inside the four walls of this mansion." He tilted his head cockily showing his popping Adam's apple as he swallowed.

_Humph. A coward is what he is._

Despite my condition, I managed to let out a small bitter giggle at his rhetorical question and acted as if what he said next had never been said. "Such a pity!" I cooed loudly as I sat down on my bed anew "You are really a hopeless case! You really do fail everything; you fail being a manager, you fail being a son, you fail being a husband, you fail being a tutor just as much as how you failed being a  _friend_. So that fact that you can't even be a husband is  _truly_  unsurprising to me!" It was my turn now to plaster an amused look and quiver my upper lip into a one-sided smug grin, crocking my left eyebrow, never breaking our eye contact.

"You really do think you have the guts to bring that up, huh?" His once milky-skinned cheeks were now drowning into a scarlet-red hue, and if it wasn't for the situation we were now in, I would have thought he looked genuinely adorable. I really did know I was getting on his nerve, and I really made sure to pig out the taste the amusement building in my body towards his fuming face.

"Pretty yeah!" I cheered throwing my arms in the air and let a small giggle fall off my lips afterwards. "Do you want me to show you bigger guts? Do you want me to remind you of how of a coward you have always been? Oh! That would be incredibly great! Okay, let me start off with the most important thing of all time. Don't you remember how you failed being a brother much more than you failed being a friend? Because I do." I smiled cheekily for a second before continuing on with my provoking speech. "Don't you sadly remember those helpless cries for help all the time? What about when you stood behind the wall cowardly watching everything as if it was something no significance happening? Don't you sadly always see her face blaming you for everything everywhere you g-"

"How the hell do you know all of this?" His voice was unexpectedly calm, in contrary to the expression his face heavily held.

"Even your safe's password is as pathetic as you are!" I do not know where all this sudden bravery stemmed form but I was certainly not regretting any of it and I enjoyed every single bit of it to the extreme. I was ready to voice out every single thing I read in his dairies that he kept in his safe. No, I was more than ready to make him encounter his deepest fears. What should I start ranting on? His friend's betrayal? His father's control over his life? His mother's faithlessness? His foolishness? And most importantly _his younger sister's death?_

His eyebrows were completely wrinkled, his nose messily flew upwards as he clenched his jaw, nearly cracking his teeth. Saying he was furious would really be an understatement, however, he did not let a single word escape his angrily trembling lips. Even though he was nothing but a big lifeless statue, being his wife for 4 long years, I knew how to get on his nerves, I knew how to infuriate him and most importantly I knew how to  _hurt_ him. But me, being the kind-hearted person I have always been I never used this card on him and I never thought I would,  _until today_ , I used it today without a second thought but what was more strange is the fact that I  _never_  regretted using it, just seeing his expression eccentrically added more amusement into my soul as much as it added more amusement onto my facial expression.

"What? Should I go on with your siste-"

_Did he start to rub off on me?_

_His cowardness, did it really find its way to penetrate my sick personality as well?_

"You do not dare to bring that up!" He stressed each syllable through his gritted teeth, clenching his fists, causing his green vessels to appear upon his milky skin. "You do not dare to bring that up!" He repeated, wrinkling his eyebrows even more, the amused look on my face was now gone by the wind as I sensed the abrupt change of aura surrounding us. I knew I had gone too far, I had let my hideous side get the best of me to the point that I didn't really care, or much worse, I was really enjoying bringing up such a sensitive topic as if it was something of no significance. I did nothing but look deeply into his eyes as they were shadowed with glassy tears that refused and dreaded to reveal themselves for ages.

"You do not dare to bring that up!" He shouted one last time as he flew off the couch he was previously sitting on and grabbed the nearest vase that was set peacefully on  _my_  black furniture and without a second thought throw it at my direction. It all happened too fast that I couldn't even move an inch from my position, I just silently watched him as he was raging around to see what would happen next, it was like I was completely paralyzed, my thoughts stopped midway, and my body couldn't function what was happening as it was the first time for me to experience such a trauma. I have seen him rage before, I was used to it, but I have never seen him so emotionally-wrecked, except at the encounter we had at his office last week and today, and in both time, it had the same effect on me. I never sympathized his condition as much as I did in these two times. Despite the piled-up hatred inside me in both situations my heart still managed to demolish any work of my mind and sanity to make me notice such hatred. I was 200% that he wouldn't correctly aim the vase at me since he had a poor eyesight and had never been good at shooting, however the vase almost touched my face as it made its way towards the wall behind me and if it weren't for the shattered pieces remaining of the vase's wreckage colliding with the skin of my neck I would have been completely fine.

I stayed like a lifeless statue in my position, not even blinking once, trying to function everything that is happening in front of me. When I finally managed to manage my breathing once again and was able to come back to my senses, I finally realized that he was aiming at the bigger vase that was set right beside the one that was a couple of moments ago shattered into million pieces. I gathered my scattered strength and took off from my bed again and ran towards his direction in complete irritation and agony, my body subconsciously flew aside upon realizing the second vase flying towards me, I looked over the second vase that now followed its smaller friend and is now laying sickly on the ground in complete horror, he really wasn't in his senses. Before he could approach the last piece of my precious set of vases I ran towards it and pushed it off the furniture to follow its fellow vases and lay just as sickly as they did on the floor. As much as I cherished these vases because they were a present from a dear friend, I cherished the fact that it was now on the floor rather than all over my body.

When I turned around to face him, my eyes were widened in horror anew as I saw him crouched down, hugging himself. I remained silently shocked for a couple of moments until I heard something, something I have  _not_ heard for years, I heard  _crying, and that is when my heart aggressively skipped a beat._

_He was crying._

Needles of regret and hatred towards my own self penetrated the soft skin of my heart, I clutched my chest tightly, tears forming in my own eyes as well at the  _horrific_  scene in front of me.

Maybe I knew how to comfort people and solve their problems since it was my job to do so, but when it came to comforting people who were close to me or it came to even seeing them in such a condition I would turn into an unmoving brick wall, I couldn't do anything but feel sympathy towards whoever was in front of me, however this time my feelings were to acute to be misled by such coldness, I found myself subconsciously leaning hastily towards his heartbreakingly crouched figure and wrapped my arms around him, my hands sneaking down his armpits to wrap themselves around his broad shoulders.

I could sense his muscles tensing upon sensing my body's connection to his, however he never made an attempt to push me away as he always did but rather surprisingly turned his crouched body around and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug making me gasp loudly. My eyes remained widened for what seemed like forever not being able to function that he really did mentally break down into my arms, these arms he claimed to despise the most, and I realized for the first time ever since he rudely barged into my peaceful room and caused such emotional and physical mess, that he wasn't here to fight, he wasn't here to be amused by my raging mood, nor to hurt me even more. He was simply here to comfort  _him_ self, maybe he even sought a comforting hug or a comforting word and I quote form his dairy  ** _"that was so unusual to my ears"_** , maybe he just simply sought a sympathetic look or a sense of forgiveness in my words.

_But he received none._

_And would have received none even if I knew his real intentions._

Seeing him in such a condition was so unfamiliar to me, and I was wholly led my instinctive acute emotions towards him and so I finally gave in and hugged him back, wrapping my arms around him and clutching his messily worn blouse tightly. He was already hurt when he entered that room, that was so called ours, but all I did was add more insult to the injury, I couldn't help but feel like a complete ruthless human being, and here I was blaming myself all over again for everything that I did and everything else that I did not even attempt to do, I even blamed myself for  _his actions._

"Calm down, you know I never meant anything of the things I said, I was just provoked by your attitude towards me especially after what happened last week, I have been so depressed and I really couldn't cope with it." My voice was so soothing to the point that I, myself, started tearing up upon hearing it. "You are a go-" I heaved a heavy sigh as I tightened my grip even more. I couldn't believe I was even attempting to say such words to a man whom I have claimed to hate since forever, but I couldn't help but liquidate any feeling of hatred towards him "You are a good man at heart, we all know that. Even if you've not been yourself ever since then, even if you have changed into the complete opposite person ever since, I still believe, no!  _we_  all still believe that a piece of you is still as good as it has always been and will always be through your lifespan, I know that it will remain so colorful to the point that it will put all the other dark devilish parts to slumber once again and flourish your old good parts afresh with its beautiful hue." I, myself, started to feel hopeful and happy upon hearing my own words and all the worries and hatred were just swept easily by the shores of hopefulness that my words and voice held, so I continued on with my words, even if did not sound right to him, but it did sound right to me, because I have always believed in them, ever since I had been with him I believed in them. "I know that-"

"What do you even know?!" I slightly jumped at his sudden burst, and was thrown over the ground as he pushed my body away to stand on his feet anew, his tears now dried on his reddish cheeks, and the intense look adapted his eyes once again as he squinted his eyes at me. "What do you even know to talk so hopefully? And what? Put my devilish parts to slumber? Are you really using a line of one of your worthless books on me? Do you think outside these walls the world is full of rainbows and non-existent unicorns?! Do you really think life is a bowl of cherries as your worthless book says? What do you even know about me to talk like you've known me ever since I was out of the womb?! Who are you to talk-"

"Aren't you my husband?! I have known you for 4 years, at least I know you enough to talk as I've known you ever since you were little and I'm highly positive that I do have the right to talk to you about what hurts you or whatever the hell is happening to you!" I cut his series of questions and nonsense raising my voice upon his to make sure I was clearly heard. I was serious, I didn't not say anything funny and what I spoke was the truth, however it only earned me a quite creepy laugh from the latter's side filled with emotions I was too angry to put a finger on.

"You really do believe yourself! You really do think this is a real marriage? You really do think you can fulfill your part as a wife?" He continued on laughing causing me to rage once again completely displeased with his sudden change of moods, he was so irritating to the point that I started pulling at my own hair and I was so frustrated to the point that I could start crying uncontrollably myself, and initiate my own unnecessary overdramatic scene. "You are just as miserable and worthless as I am, if not even more!" He stated whisperingly as if he were a devil nourishing barren min with his devilishness. He wasn't really lying, because a part of what he said was the truth.

"I really do hate the fact that I do think this is marriage! But unlike the coward you, I've been trying to cope with your 12-years-old self all over these 4 years and even tried to work on  _myself_  even though I did not need to do so, but what else can I say? You will always be the emotionless brat you have always been to feel such efforts I do to make this sorry excuse of a marriage work out!" I couldn't control my feelings anymore, and even though I hated loud voices, my voice still rang across the mansion in complete agony and frustration.

"The fact that you think you are any better is really funny!" He threw his arms in the air rolling his eyes. I opened my mouth ready to fight again but soon I closed them when I realized I didn't really have anything to say. My silence only added more amusement to his facial expression and he inhaled deeply before starting to speak again in the tenderest voice he had. "I really am glad that child who could have been once called a newborn is now called a dead unborn." The simplicity within his voice made the sentence sound so funny to me that I really did start laughing, however my laughter didn't last long as it was replaced by a loud high-pitched scream almost shaking up the four burdening walls around me. I renewed a drum-shattering scream as I pulled at my hair once again.

Trying to cope with all the pain that I felt in and all around my chest seemed beyond my capacity, my mind was completely blank, I couldn't believe these venomous words were really said with so much ruthlessness and coldness. Who thought I would ever face such pain one day? Who thought the perfect me would be stuck with a man who is nothing but a cold hard statue full of imperfections and distorts, the hopefulness and colorfulness that once filled my words as I comforted him were swept into oblivion, completely forgotten by the sweeping rage and hurt that conquered my body and emotions, I couldn't feel the beauty of the world I shortly felt when I wrapped him around my arms.

Unlike what he said I did not really believe the outside world was full of rainbows and unicorns, even though I didn't know what he was exactly talking about, but I knew he was referring to the dark world outside these walls, the one that was filled with fetidness that effected every person's good nature.  _Who am I to talk to him?_  Now I know what this question meant, I am no different, I am not as perfect as I was referred to when I was at high school, I, a person who helps people to turn their life and personality into a perfect one, am full of imperfections.

Well, at least  _he_  doesn't hide his true hideous side as I do, at least he does form what's in his mind into real spoken words, and not just cowardly written ones. We were completely different, literally in everything, not just the fact that he favors summer while I enjoy winter's extreme coldness, nor the fact the he could drink a jar of honey without feeling sick while I can eat a bag of salt and would still aim for a second bag, we were even different in how we loved each other, how we despised each other and how we silently appreciated each other's existence, how I wanted to sleep in the same bed as his, while he had ruthlessly left me lonesome for four years in the deafening silence of this hideously beautiful room.

I kept screaming until I felt no more strength or will to even voice out a word. I looked over his body that stood still in front of me, not budging even once or even attempt to comfort me, I connected my sparklingly teary eyes with his unrelenting ones. I felt so much despise towards the latter that I felt the urge to hurt him with one of the sharp pieces scattered all around us but I had no space in my strength for such brutal thoughts, all I could gather of my strength was exactly five seconds of staring bitterly at his dark eyes.

_And I was completely done for._

 


	3. 二

The question of why people always whiff roses in hopes of finding a pleasant aroma when they already know that it has an unpleasant one still wanders around my mind, almost 20 years of treading around various kinds of answers passed and I still haven't put my finger on the right answer to this simple question. The more I grew up, the more I became curious as to why people do so, and this simple innocent question was responsible of digging more and more questions into my barren mind. Why do people try when they know it wouldn't work? Why do they cling onto a weak string of hope when they know it is not possible? What is so fascinating in acting as if things are getting better and better when everything is still the same as if the clock has never made a move? But who am I to ask such questions and judge people's instinctive nature? Am I really any different when I mimicked people's doings and every time I got a hold of a rose, I smelled it? Am I really any different when all I did was subconsciously become one of those people as I found myself smelling unpleasantly smelling roses too many times just as soon as I had found myself clinging onto the same string of hope onto which I have seen many people cling when I knew it was not possible? Am I really any different when all I did was think when I whiffed a supposedly fragrant flower that had lost its scent long ago was still beautiful even when it had lost the only thing that made it beautiful?

_I was not any different._

 

The second question the preoccupied my little childish mind was why do people still use flowers as presents? I did understand that roses are really beautiful and I loved nature enough to believe that packs of flowers are a masterpiece created by God, and I did believe that roses are simply pretty dressed in any color chosen by nature. But the real question that penetrated my mind was what was so good about giving a present to someone when it will soon wither and be forgotten, thrown by the process of time and found rotten? What was so good in plucking happy flowers out of their secure home to be neglected and mistreated by ignorant people? Have people ever thought of giving a pot of soil with seeds of various kinds of plants instead? Wasn't it more meaningful to teach the person you appreciate enough to give roses to how to bring up and look after something as beautiful as roses? Wasn't it more soulful to revive roses from death instead of mournfully driving them to death?

But still, I wasn't any different to judge those people when all I did was abandon the plants and flowers I brought up from deep slumber into life, to the extent that I, their guardian, became their filicide.

"Madame, Mr Kim has arrived safely and dinner is about to be served." I snapped out of my long trail of thoughts and slightly jumped at the servant's sudden appearance and her high-pitched voice. I let out a breath I had held in for what seemed like an hour, holding tightly on the flower I had plucked out when I first got into here, our small garden. I slightly nodded my head to dismiss her, avoiding initiating any kind of conversation. If it wasn't for the apparent look of worry on her face as she slightly bowed her head before hesitantly walking away I would have never noticed my moist cheek. I widened my eyes when I touched my wet cheek as another tear fell on my hand. I hastily wiped my cheeks with the hem of my dress's sleeve and fanned my eyes with both of my hands to try and diminish any trace of tears. Unfortunately, I didn't have my phone or any sharp object on which I can see my reflect, so I just had to keep fanning my eyes for about five minutes at least because I wouldn't want to go in there with red eyes; it was hard enough to convince them when I first came here that my puffy eyes were caused by lack of sleep, and nothing more.

I took small slow steps towards the house, borrowing more time to whiten my reddened eyes. As I took the first step into the entrance of the house I was hit by a thickly nostalgic atmosphere. It was so noisy inside the house and the aura the scent of food provided in the place played memories at the back of my head. I got lost in the smell and I got swallowed into the memories as I completely surrendered to my homesick soul's need to travel back to the old good memories of the old happy me, when I didn't have to worry about anything around me, when I thought that life was really nothing but a bowl of cherries, back then when my deepest fear was to skip Detective Conan's new episode or to have to wait for a second part of the new episode because Conan couldn't solve it in only one episode, back then when the word sadness was so foreign to me and when I used to scream just for fun or to show happiness. Back then when I only slept because my body needed to and not because I wanted to tuck all my fears and depression in for a few hours.

I was snapped out of my nostalgic thoughts, and my bittersweet smile faded when I sensed an arm being wrapped around my shoulder, clutching it tightly. I let out a muffled sneer as I acknowledged the scent of the person who dared to touch me without permission. I was about to react but was soon stopped in my tracks when his soft lips touched the wrinkled skin of my forehead. "How is my Bibi doing?"

I subconsciously rolled my eyes, totally not surprised by his outstanding acting skills before I plastered a fake smile on my face. I slightly moved my head to the side, his shoulder still wrapped around mine, to look as if I was hugging him, but I only did so to wipe the wet spot on which I was just kissed. As much as I was moved by his fake kiss, I still had to act as if it was no effect to me. I put on my actress persona, and hastily got engaged in the movie he just started as I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his expanding chest, hearing his steady heartbeats while I doubted he could feel my unsteady ones upon the skin of his upper stomach, "Much better than when you left her all alone this morning." My fake smile was still glued on my face, and I could swear if someone really did watch us closely, he/she would have known by now that I was faking it all, and because I, of course, would never get to Junmyeon's level, I had to dig my face more into his chest to hide my bitter reluctant smile.

"I can't believe you even leave my daughter all alone for work on holidays! What a workaholic kid you are!" My father shouted from afar as he made his way towards us with a big smile on his face and a glass wrapped elegantly in his hand. I mentally broke down in tears of happiness and joy as I hastily unwrapped my-already-loosened-arms and ran up to my father to kiss his cheek and insignificantly support his back with my small hand as my lips formed a pure artificial pout.

"You know how it is these days." Instead of joking around with my father, Junmyeon preferred to put on his serious façade as he sighed.

"As if! Please scold him on behalf of me, dad! He always does this! He never even enjoys himself!" I almost rolled my eyes at myself but I had to maintain the fabricated scene, so I just quitted being cute and scared the pout off with a laugh.

"Ah, please!" He splashed a big smile on his face as he threw his head backwards, "Look who is talking! The one who forgot her birthday because she was too busy working on one of her patients."

"I told you I hate calling them patients!" I stated through gritted teeth childishly as I crossed my arms. I genuinely hated the word "patient" when it comes to describing the ones who come to me seeking help. I have always preferred calling them heroes for they can, so heroically, endure and tolerate the pain within their worn out soul that many others cannot, and what is most important is the fact that they accept the fact that they need help and actually make an attempt to seek one.

Junmyeon was about to talk again in an attempt to retort back but he was soon cut by father who was not even listening to our little conversation in the first place as he was engaged in a little conversation with someone passing by, "I totally know how it is." My father's deep voice reassured as he placed a reassuring arm on Junmyeon's shoulder, patting it for a couple of times. "But still, you know how spoiled my daughter was when she was here, and you know I wouldn't allow you to make her any less spoiled!" My father pointed a threating finger jokingly at Junmyeon's face while squeezing my shoulder as he kissed the top of my head. Junmyeon put both of his hands up in surrender and let out a small chuckle. I mentally eyed both my father and Junmyeon in disgust, holding back the snort that I yearned to let out for four years every time these two talked.

_Humph! I can already see what is coming!_

 

"Ah!" Junmyeon slapped his forehead replacing his smug grin with a genuine one, "How can I not spoil her when my most brilliant achievement in life was my ability to be able to persuade her to marry me?" He looked deeply into my eyes as his smile slightly faded but it was soon widened anew as he averted his gaze once again to my father "And how can I not spoil her when she makes me feel like it's always spring with her ever-blooming beauty?"

"Just as expected! You never lose your charms, do you?" My father cheered throwing his hand in the air to high-five Junmyeon's who seemed to be enjoying this cheap farce. I was so not in the mood to cope with such a childish conversation so my mind took the easiest way to turn a blind eye to their conversation as I noticed the long mirror far across the living room we were currently standing in, I noticed my slightly unfixed dress, and after I fixed it I took a look at my face to see if my makeup was ruined. I slightly shrieked when I noticed how puffy my eyes were, even though I had makeup on and I had been awake for hours already, it was all in vain to hide the effect of yesterday's mental breakdown and hours of crying. When I fell on the ground yesterday after I had completely lost all of my strength to fight back the pain, I was still conscious enough to acknowledge my surroundings.

_Junmyeon stood there, for a couple of minutes, silently staring at my lifeless body, not even spilling an audible breath out of his lips. A knock on the door slightly awakened my senses, and I was even more aware of my surroundings but I was still too weak to react and so I didn't even try to move._ _"Enter." Was all Junmyeon said with his heaved voice. The one at the door, whom I assumed was one of our servants, gasped loudly upon seeing the hideous scene. After her gasp, the room fell silent again and the atmosphere was so stiflingly thick until his calm voice cleared it all away with a few words before he made his way out of the room with peaceful treads. "Take care of her." The girl was flustered for a couple of moments but she was quick to come back to her senses. She ran towards my body with teary eyes, and as soon as I had opened my eyes I realized that it was Jamila, the closest servant I had, whom I had treated as a friend ever since I got into this house. All over these years, she was the only one who had always been biased towards me and I was really thankful that someone decided to take my side instead of blindly taking their master's side with their washed excuse of a brain. At first I was suspicious as to why she was all sweet to me unlike others who had been always been a hypocrite around me, who would smile at me and then turn around and talk complete nonsense about me but as days, weeks, months and years passed, I realized that she didn't really have to be close to me for any reason, she just liked me, appreciated how nicely I treated all of them, and thought that I was good enough not to be treated the way I was. As time passed, the nonsense talking between other servants died down as they were able to see the true me and that I wasn't trying to fake being nice at first and be able to realize that I was, **indeed** , nice. But whenever a fight was initiated between Junmyeon and me, whispers and weird looks and attitudes would start again and all the nonsense would find its way into their malfunctioning mind. So I just learned to lock myself in my room until everything dies down after every fight, and if I urgently needed anything I would just call Jamila. It was such a relief that I had someone like her, really._ _"Ma'am!" She gasped once again as she let a sob escape her mouth. "Until when are you planning to endure all of this cruelty?!" She let a couple of tears roll down her reddish cheeks as she caressed my arm, sympathy thrown all over her face and body language._ _"Just help me stand up and go buy my medicine; I haven't taken any since this morning." My hoarse voice travelled through my throat loaded with needles that cut right through the worn out skin of it. I shut my eyes once again and clutched my stomach at the sudden shooting pain._ _"But ma'am you've been taking it un-"_ _"Hurry!" My voice was unwillingly loud enough to make her jump slightly in fright. She leaned once again to help me stand up and as soon as I had been able to stand on my feet once again, I waved my hand towards the door to dismiss her but she insisted on helping me walk until I sat on the bed and then she got out of the room and closed the door gently behind her._ _Ever since what happened last week, I had been so sick to the extent that I couldn't move, not even in my bed, let alone going to work. Not only was my body too weak to endure my abdominal pain, but also my body couldn't ignore the building up depression within my soul. Painkillers were everything but a help to me, it was like I had never taken any. Today was the only day I started to feel a little bit like a human and not just an emotional wreck. But of course, he just had to come in here and act so nonchalantly and demolish everything I had been trying to construct for the past few days._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

"You have done a great job taking care of her so far." My father put a reassuring hand on Junmyeon's shoulder once again.

_Yeah! A really great job!_

Rolling my eyes at both of them was too weak to express my feelings towards what I was meet with as soon as I had snapped out of my mourning memories, so a loudly audible groan skipped my lips. My hand flew to cover my mouth, my eyes widened as I faked coughing a couple of times completely turning my back towards my father to avoid looking into his eyes.

I put on a fake smile once again and turned my body to them hastily speaking up "Dad! I'm hungry! Enough talking already!" I coughed one more time holding on my throat to act as if I had choked on my own saliva.

My father laughed one more time before wrapping his arms around Junmyeon's shoulders and guiding him to the dining-room where everything had already been ready, and the abandoned chairs were desperately awaiting people's quick arrival.

My father sat on one of the table's edges, on an elegantly adorned armed chair, my mother sat on his left side on a less elegant unarmed chair, and Junmyeon sat to his right while I sat next to Junmyeon who did not even bother greeting my mother, therefore I assumed they had already met before because it would have been really rude of him to do such a thing.

My father sat up once again holding a glass and a fork in his other hand to draw attention to himself. The few special guests whom I knew most of attentively turned to face my father smiling contently at him. Before averting my eyes to look at my father's, I watched the side of Junmyeon's face, witnessing the growth of his fake smile for a couple of moments. I was completely caught off guard and silently faked a smile myself when he suddenly turned his head to face me instead, his so not genuine smile never abandoning his face. I assumed he sensed me digging daggers into his face with the side of his vision which was even more embarrassing but I just had to shrug it off as if it had never even happened.

"My dear guests, I really am content to have you all here gathered around one table as it has always been in the past. I hope you like the serving and the night here. Please enjoy the food!" An anecdoche erupted in the dining room as some threw a few words at my father's direction, some just preferred to smile silently, while some, including Junmyeon and I, just nodded their heads.

My appetite had been in the worst condition I have ever experienced for the past week, and I really felt sick by just looking at the food, but trying not to look as sick as my face looks, I tried to at least chew on anything in front of me. That fact that I took an aperitif, and it didn't even affect me in any way was even more depressing. I had always been the person to pig out whenever I felt sad and I was kind of proud of such a thing because whenever I got sad when I was a teenager I would get chubby rather than lose weight and look like a strapped skeleton but I guess it was also back then when the word 'depression' didn't even exist in my dictionary. I let a loud audible sigh as I continued chewing on the same piece I have been chewing on for already two minutes, feeling more and more sick by every attack of its foreign taste. Just as I was finally attempting to swallow, I almost choked on my food when I felt a hand crawling on the skin of my exposed knee beneath the table. I turned around to face Junmyeon questioningly, and I found him facing me questioningly himself; he must have noticed how sick I was feeling. I looked over to my father to see if he too noticed my condition but fortunately enough he was engaged in a conversation with my mother. I looked over to Junmyeon once again who was now holding a piece of food. No matter how much I tried to, I couldn't help but screw my face when I saw it. On realizing that he was attempting to feed me, I mentally rolled my eyes. Since I was too sick to be engaged in his fluff scene I was going to take the piece, almost aggressively, out of his hand but he dodged my hand, by throwing his backwards so I could not get a hold of the fork. I screwed my face once again, shooting him a pleading look, wishing he would take the message and stop already.

"You have to take this piece, at least." He spoke with a honey-dripping voice and if it wasn't for my condition I would have really appreciated his outstanding acting skills. I was really getting sicker by the second and I wanted to cut everything short, so I just opened my mouth and let him gently place the fork into my mouth. My teeth got a hold of the food and I swallowed it immediately without even trying to chew on it again to prevent any sickness from penetrating my stomach. My condition was miserable enough. I sighed audibly but restrained myself once again when I noticed my mother studying the scene Junmyeon and I was making.

"Why aren't you eating, Bijoux?" My mother pacifyingly asked, a look of concern thrown all over her face as she eyed me suspiciously. I forced out a toothless smile, the fakest of all fake smiles, and gripped Junmyeon's hand that was still laid shamelessly on my knee. I really did want to grip it for more support but I only gripped it to throw it away because I truly hated anyone touching me, especially if I was sick.

"I don't know mom, I felt sick by just looking at the food." I spoke almost inaudibly as I held tightly on my forced smile and gulped hardly before continuing on "But please don't worry I have alre-"

I was soon cut short by my mother's loud giggle as she threw her head backwards in amusement. She squinted her eyes at me when she faced me once again, amusingly eyeing both Junmyeon and I. I wrinkled my eyebrows impatiently questioning her strange attitude towards something that was absolutely not funny but the knit that intertwined my eyebrows, out of the blue, vanished as both of my eyebrows flew upwards in complete horror upon hearing my mother's next words "Don't tell me.... Were you two expecting a child soon?" My already sweaty palm clung tightly on Junmyeon's tensed thigh. I looked at him but I unexpectedly found his face as calm as it had been ever since he got into this house in contrary to his tensed muscles. Upon seeing my horrified face, he put a reassuring hand on mine, and squeezed it tightly, probably sending a silent message to make me calm down. I tried my best to maintain my facial expressions, at least, but it was already too late because both my father and mother noticed my strange and suspicious reaction, and they eyed both Junmyeon and me suspiciously. Just to add more fuel to the fire, a few heads turned in our direction upon hearing what my mother said so carelessly.

Luckily, Junmyeon was ready to respond as if he had seen it coming. He let out a quiet laugh and looked at my mother, totally turning a blind eye to any suspicion around us.

"Unfortunately, as much as we would love to, we still feel unready to be engaged in such a heavy responsibility," Junmyeon turned his head to look at my father as he slightly bowed his head in shamefulness. As if! "I totally understand that it has already been four years. We will certainly reconsider this soon." A small smile danced around his moist lips as he ended his tranquilly and carefully formed sentence.

However, neither the tranquillity in his voice nor did his outstanding acting skills ameliorate the situation. My father had an expression on his face that I couldn't really read but I could definitely read that hint of firmness in his next words, "You better do Junmyeon." His voice was threating for Junmyeon and me while his eyes were cunningly hopeful for the rest of the guests. A part of me felt sad for my father who had always wanted me to be pregnant with his first grandchild, and he was desperate to the extent that he would talk about it everytime he sees my face. Although I hated staying in the same house as Junmyeon and wanted to go anywhere but stay there, coming to this house, in which I have been brought up, really became a burden to me ever since my father started to nag about pregnancy, which I always thought was impossible. The thought of having a child and having to raise him/her up well had been nothing but a really heavy burden on my shoulders. "Wouldn't it be wonderful to have grandchildren already? It's been forever! I was never known for being patient, Junmyeon." He raised his voice so everyone else would be able to hear him clearly, a few quiet laughs erupted from the audience, while Junmyeon and I stayed quiet, absentmindedly staring at our plates. My mother's eyes, that had always been good at reading people, were still fixated on Junmyeon and me, already sensing the shock and tenseness that still laid haphazardly on my expression.

After averting my gaze from my mother's intense one, my mouth twisted upwards to form a feeble toothless smile while Junmyeon came to his senses and began laughing along with others. He quietly took off his warm hand after emphasizing one last squeeze on mine and abandoned my homesick hand as he got engaged in a short conversation with someone across the table.

After forcing another piece food into my stomach, I sat up and politely excused myself. A number of faces gave me a confused look as it hadn't been long since we had been seated but I didn't really care, and I honestly could not care less about my mother's intense gaze. As soon as I had finished washing my hands, taking my medicine and fixing myself once again, I went to the garden again and sat on the same bench I sat on before, feeling relieved after a couple of minutes after taking the medicine to weary out the ache of my stomach.

As my eyes wandered around the garden aimlessly and absentmindedly, I felt a small hand tugging on the hem of my dress which caused me to turn my head. On seeing who was tugging on my dress, a big genuine smile lit up my face and I subconsciously threw my body on the ground and stood on my knees. I wrapped my arms around my 6-years-old sister whom I had great affection and love for. She has always been the apple of my eye, ever since she came to this world, she has been nothing but a beautiful scent that contaminated the hideous miasma that filled my gloomy house. Even when she couldn't speak or even function the people around her with her subtle eyes, she was able to do what many other people couldn't do to me for just by looking at her small figure I felt all the piled up pain being washed away by the waves of her inward and outward beauty and innocence. She has always been that smooth oily ointment that I rubbed upon the worn out skin of my faith and inner beauty.

"Lolite! I have missed you so much! Where have you been all day?!" I cheered loudly as I engaged her into a bone-crushing embrace. I closed my eyes in amusement, breathing in her familiarly calming scent.

"I had a piano lesson with Amir." Her calmly soothing voice tranquilly eased the pain that still dared to clutch my heart without leaving a trace. "I didn't know you would be here, I would have cancelled it if I knew!" I didn't see her face but I could sense that she was pouting. She wrapped her small arms around my neck and patted her small fingers lightly on my skin which made my smile fly upwards even more.

I sucked in a breath as I wrapped my arms even more around her fragilely small body "Do I really need to make an appointment first to be able to see you, my friend?"

"I am a busy person now, my friend!" Her lisp was audible as she argued raising her voice a little bit upon mine, "Just as busy as you are!" She hit her leg childishly on the ground and loosened her arm in the attempt to stop the long-lasting hug but I was too desperate to let go of her comforting hug so I stubbornly tightened my embrace. Disappointment began to crawl into my body when she made a bigger attempt to end the hug as she replaced her hands on my shoulders to push me away gently.

"Well, at least I make sure to cram everything up every Thursday to be able to see you!" I huffed loudly and mimicked her when she crossed her arms and wrinkled her eyebrows.

"Is that why you did not come last Thursday?!" She cocked her head to the side and patted her foot repeatedly against the green grass beneath her. She has always been so smart, smarter than I have ever been. I was greedy enough to hope that her smartness would drive her to conclude that I couldn't see her last Thursday because I couldn't cram everything up, but instead I was the one who was crammed up for I had been filled by force with more physical and emotional pain than I could easily hold.

"Ah! If only you know what I was doing last Thursday you wouldn't have been talking to me in that attitude of yours!" It was my turn to cock my head to the side as I stood on my feet anew, towering over her small body.

She widened her eyes, tilting her head upwards to be able to see me "What is it!" She threw her hands in the air and jumped repeatedly.

"Nu-uh kid! I am not going to tell you anytime soon." I pretended to fix my bangs as I picked my phone from the black purse I held that complemented the upper part of my dress.

"Oh no! Please! I will do anything for you!" She jumped again, intertwining her fingers together as she begged. The frown on her face was too cute for me to resist so I just gave in.

"I am not usually a person who does things expecting something in return. But, if I tell you what I was doing last Thursday will you hug me whenever I ask you to? And not just refuse like you often do?" I saw the opportunity to feed my greed of her hugs and I absolutely couldn't let it go. When she nodded vigorously and hopefulness starred her big dark eyes I tried to make up any kind of lie before I turn out to be a liar in front of my younger sister, to whom I have been a role model, and lose the only opportunity I had to feed my greed. I had to thank heaven for the idea that popped into my head out of nowhere as I remembered how much she has always wanted to go to Disneyland and have been begging my parents to go but they have always refused because they were too busy to go and they couldn't let her go with Amir last year because they said she was too young to go on a trip at such a young age without her parents. "I was looking up all the aeroplanes that will go to a certain place you've always wanted to go to."

Her enthusiasm died down and confusion fell upon her features as she scratched her scalp, questioningly eyeing me, "I don't understand anything."

"Where did Amir go last year?" I tried to give her a hint but it came out too obvious that she, out of nowhere, started screaming loudly, and she ran around the garden in circles jumping up and down repeatedly. I watched her splattering happiness, peacefully enjoying every second of it. She suddenly stopped in her tracks and stood still for a couple of moments. She hastily turned around and approached me once again.

"Does father know?" Her voice was unexpectedly calm, liquidating any sense of enthusiasm. I mentally face palmed myself. I never put my father's opinion in consideration and I knew that convincing pigs that they can fly would be much easier than convincing my father of such a thing.

"I haven't. But don't worry I will certainly talk to him about it soon." I sat on the bench once again and crossed my legs, "No need to worry, we still have plenty of time to convince him because you will not go there unless you study well and get high marks!" I pointed a threating finger at her and moved it forward to hit her nose slightly.

She scrunched her nose, "I know he will never say yes!" She pouted once again crossing her arms.

"When I was your age I wanted to go there too, and I was only able to do so after I nagged him for almost two months, so don't worry I will just use the same technique I used almost 25 years ago." I was soon relieved when my harmless lie caused her pout to be replaced with a faint smile. "Can I get a bone-crushing hug now, please?" She spread her arms in the air unhesitatingly. A genuine smile found its way to my lips as I picked her once again off the ground and wrapped my arms around her waist while she wrapped hers around my neck and wrapped her legs around my torso.

"What about my soul-healing hug?" A dangerously close presence behind my back made Lolite's tightened arms around my neck to loosen unhesitatingly and I took the hint to let go of her so she could run up to the speaker who was none other than Junmyeon. She has always loved Junmyeon in a way that I despised so much, sometimes it felt like she loved him more than she ever did love me. Ever since she was a baby, she would smile whenever she laid eyes on him, her subtle eyes would lighten up and her toothless big smile would form effortlessly. People say that babies can always differentiate between good and bad people, they say that babies smile from ear to ear when they see a good person, around which, angels play and dance. Although I only believed in scientific reasons, and totally dismissed any unauthentic beliefs, a part of me still wondered if this was really true. Was he really a good person that angels floated around? Did my sister really see the good side of him which I have never seen?

_Ugh!_

I loathed their relationship in a certain way for he never missed to be the first one to do everything to her. Her first steps, he was the only one who encouraged her and taught her how to tread them. Her first school attire was bought by him. Her first car ride to school, he made sure to wake up early to drive her to school. Her first car ride from school, he made sure to cram all of his work up that day to be able to get her home safely. Her first appointment with a doctor when she was sick, he made sure to be there to support her fragile body. Her first collection of books, he made sure to pick one so carefully so she would grow up as educated as he wants her to be. Oh! How I despised him so much!

She, indeed, ran up to him and mimicked her previous actions with me as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and legs around his torso, which added more fuel to my disappointment. As much as I loved it, I hated it so much, the way she loved him. I hated the way he treated her, not because I was jealous, but because I have always been so confused as to why he treats her so well, when he is nothing but as dry as a bone to me, when he genuinely let himself fall in love with her when he claimed he does not want anything to do with me. He never fails to confuse me, not just the way he was picky with food, not with the way he preferred to wake up so early in the morning unlike everyone else who hated early hours, not the fact that his favorite color is white in contrary to the darkness he claimed had filled, not only his soul, but also his world and surroundings, not the fact that he was so good at enduring everything and being able to hide his feelings like a master. He had always been a source a confusion to me, for the way he was able to love when he claimed he has nothing inside him but pure hatred towards the world, for the way he was able to make some people's lives better with his kindness when he claimed that he is nothing but a cold-hearted person, for the way he sought all the things human seek for when he claimed he wasn't human.

He thought I thought it was all a part of his scene, but I knew that the sunlight of his love for Lolite shined on a certain part in him, on which plants of happiness, flowers of true love and grass of pure innocence grew contently together, and on which swines and sheep danced and sang happily for Lolite's happiness,  _alone_.


	4. 四

 

 

 

 

_Autumn finally bided us farewell after draining the colors of all the leaves, and left the trees weak and fragile, exposed and alone to the rigid coldness of winter. The winter was finally upon us, and with it came the tranquility and alluring air breezes that I had longed for throughout the year. The winter season, when temperature goes below the heat of our bodies so we seek shelter, when cold chilly winds, which can freeze animals and plants to death, accompany this season happily to continue where autumn left off, when snow covers beautiful landscapes so they can no longer be seen by the desperate wanderers, when there is so much fog that even the dreadful sun fears, quickly bids farewell and leaves, when the enchanting blue color of the sky gloomily succumbs to the grayness of loaded clouds, when you ruin your favorite attires just because the sky decided to play a game and rain on your parade, when you shamefully press your fingers on your ears in thunderstorms, when sloppy ice ruins your day, when your favorite kind of petals loses its appetite for life, and when cold and devastating influenzas stops by to say hi. But winter, it is also when the end of season cycle calls out, when I get the opportunity to be charged and nourished, when I get to pull bonfire nights and allow myself to drown in the portrait of caroling flames slapping the cold away, when I feel relieved to finally get a grip on a big bowl of soup that draws its heat to me and shields me from the cold, when I feel content when drops of rain touch my very ticklish skin, when something whimsical hits me when the first winter breeze blows through the trees and makes me fall in love even more, when I get to watch the sun reddishly sweep the sky in baby hours of the day, when I yelp with delight when the first snowflakes collide with the ground, when I feel like it is finally the time to buy tons of hot pads, drink hot chocolate and catch up with crochet projects, when I smile genuinely upon hearing the soft sound of raindrops colliding haphazardly with the hard skin of my window, and the smell of rain penetrates my nose and calmly tucks my gloominess in to sleep._

"You needn't worry; everyone experiences such symptoms in seasonal changes. Usually, people can be helped within a few sessions and sometimes feel better even after a single session. But since this is our first meeting, we don't want to jump to conclusions yet, do we?"

"I already feel much better after letting it all out. I really thought nothing alive would be able to lighten up my mood for the tiniest bit." The sheepish teenage girl seated comfortably in front of my desk spoke up sotto voce, a peck of excitement glimmering her big dark brown eyes.

I placed a feeble, but genuine, smile upon my face. "Everything in this world is finite, so why not your bad mood?" The girl smiled silently, slightly hanging her head in shyness. My hands made a gentle collision to draw her attention back to me. "Anyhow, if this was a case that you handled, what kind of assignment would you give yourself?" The girl stayed quiet, studying my face carefully, probably awaiting me to start talking again, and so I did. "I mean, if I were you I would start letting the sunshine in instead of closing the curtains to hide from coldness, I would get moving and start working out, find some hobby that makes me feel happy such as writing, singing or reading, I would take all the medicine as prescribed and forsake taking any illegal drugs, I would make sure to make a schedule for myself to make sure I do not sleep more than 8 hours a day. Do you think this is the right way to overcome my bad mood?" I cocked my head to the side, grinning sweetly to try and sound friendlier to the girl who sat there as quiet as she had been for the whole session.

"Of course." She asserted, smiling politely.

"So, when you go back home, do you give odds that you will do the assignment?" I opened the drawer of my desk, got a pen and started writing a prescription, still locking my eyes with hers, trying to convey that I still payed attention to what she had to say.

"I feel like I can do it." She stated confidently, and quietly nodded her head, probably to convince herself of what she had said.

I handed her my prescription, to which she hastily stood up and extended her arm to get a grip of it as politely as possible. "You have to make sure you take all the medicine on time and do what I told you to. We do not need to have more sessions just because we were being a little bit too careless, do we?" I stood up too, extending my hand to shake hers. This session was not really a hard one to wrap up since it was not really something of great significance, or at least I thought. I had unintentionally specialized in such conditions since almost all teenagers feel gloomy and lifeless in extremely wintry days.

The girl nodded her head smiling, as she shook my hand. "When do I need to come here again?"

"Just follow this prescription for a week and if you don't feel any better, please, do contact me for another appointment. But, if you start to feel better just come two weeks from now at the same time."

"Okay. Thank you, doctor."

"You can go now, I will make sure to have your appointment scheduled." I smiled faintly at the girl who was already making her way towards the door. As soon as the girl closed the door behind her, the smile I held on my face the whole appointment dropped dead unhesitatingly. I rested my head on the desk as a sigh escaped my lips.

Today was the first day I started working again, and after postponing all the appointments I had, I had to cram up all the appointments of the past two weeks plus the appointments of this week, this week, which meant that I would have seven appointments per day for two weeks. And this being the sixth appointment today meant that I only had one more appointment to end this ever-lasting day of tiredness.

The door to my office was pushed open slowly and carefully making me raise my head only to be met with none other than Baekhyun who was holding an elegantly ornamented tray with a cup set in the midst of it.

"You haven't eaten anything ever since you imprisoned yourself in this room," I opened my mouth to protest but reclosed it when I was soon cut off by his loud voice as he menacingly pointed his index at me. "The next appointment is after half an hour, so you still have a plenty of time to pig out whatever you want! Don't you dare refuse to eat!"

"Ah! Baekhyun! I already told you 100 times that my appetite is down the drains!" I raised both of my eyebrows, baying childishly as I clutched my stomach, which was already growing dizzy at the familiar nauseous smell of the mushroom soup he came in with. "You could have at least bought something that would stimulate my appetite!"

"Give me money and I will buy you something delicious." The smirk of amusement sat comfortably upon his face as he placed the tray on my desk, and extended his hand in front of me, as a motion to give him money.

"You are a little too much shameless for a man who thinks he is so nonchalant and charming, aren't you?" I raised my voice as I slapped his hand away and stretched my hand to get a grip on the small cup of tea when my hand was slapped away too making me sink into my chair and open my mouth agape in annoyance to let out a long-termed sigh.

"Shouldn't you at least appreciate the time I wasted on you trying to make all of this?" He raised both of his eyebrows questioningly and crossed his arms.

"All of this?" My hand flew to my mouth as I let out a small snicker. "I am pretty sure you brought this from home! Do you even know that this is a mushroom soup? Which is also a definite no-no soup for me?"

"Forgive your friend who has a memory of a dying fish, please." Baekhyun intertwined his fingers, tilting his head to one side as he pleaded in an adenoidal voice to sound cute, but, the only thing he received was a glare filled with confusion and disgust.

After staring at him for quite a few seconds, I extended my hand to get a grip on the tea cup once again. "Thanks for the tea. I have been longing to drink one all day."

"I bought this bread for myself, but you can take it," He dug his hands into the pockets of his baby blue medical coat, and brought out a neutral-sized piece of bread wrapped in plastic. "I will eat this soup instead."

"Aw! What a considerate friend you are!" I cooed loudly, snatching the bread out of his loose grip, but before I could devour it all I stretched my arm to dishevel Baekhyun's bangs by brushing my fingers carelessly through them but instead of slapping my hand away like he always does he just let me do it allowing a fruity laugh to escape his lips.

After a few minutes of silence and train of thoughts that engulfed both of us as we proceeded to eat, Baekhyun was the one to break the comforting silence. "Why have you been off work for two weeks though? I have been too busy being happy and having fun that I didn't check up on you." He smiled shamelessly, taking another spoon of his creamy mushroom soup, looking at me through his eyelashes.

"At first I caught a flu and had been lifeless for a whole week, then I wanted to eliminate anything hindering me to have enough time to start writing a new book because I felt like writing and I haven't got this feeling for like a whole year?" My voice was so stable that if I didn't know the truth I would have believed myself without hesitation, yet, Baekhyun's expression did not really show any emotions and his eyes were void as he placed his spoon carefully on the tray and blankly looked at me.

"What did you write about?" His voice was monotonous, almost making me shiver. It felt like I was being interrogated for the way he looked at me, and the way he spoke so firmly and quietly, which was so unfamiliar to my ears.

"Huh?" I slightly widened my eyes. It was an expected question, yet, I never expected him to ask such a question considering he never really asked me before about my writings, but rather, it was me who would always palaver about them. "I still haven't decided everything, I only have the main ideas of it in my mind."

"So you spent two weeks, postponed all your appointments and piled them up just to write the outline in your mind? Not even on a paper?" Baekhyun put both of his elbows on the desk, intertwined his fingers so he could form a bridge on which he can rest his chin, still eyeing me suspiciously.

"Baekhyun, you know I will only tell you about it when I have everything settled." I slightly raised my voice, wrinkling my eyebrows in annoyance of his strange attitude.

"At least tell me what you have in mind; I unexpectedly feel curious this time."

"Baekhyun," I heaved a sigh as I placed the last piece of bread I held on the tray, already feeling full and almost sick. "I already told you I do not like spoiling my ideas, when I officially write something worth reading, you will definitely be the first one on my list-to-show." I sank into my chair as soon as I had a grip on the tea cup's handle.

"About two weeks ago, I came to your hous-"

"So you checked up on me?" I hastily cut him but tried to keep my cool by asking as calmly as possible. I already sensed where this conversation was being led to, all the suspicion, the gazes and weird attitude had a significant reason behind them.

"Jamila told me that you were-"

"What the hell was she blabbing on again?" The tranquility that my voice had held on ever since this morning was gone by the wind and the only thing I felt penetrating my voice was the erupting emotion of anger mixed with slight fear. "Everything had been fine all week."

"-at your parents' house at that time, that was the only thing Jamila told me." Baekhyun eyed me suspiciously, implicitly smirking. "And how had you been fine all week? You just said you caught a flu. Seriously, why did you panic all of a sudden? You thought she told me something you did not want me to know, didn't you?" A look of suspicion filled with worry fell upon his features as his eyes ominously squinted his eyes at mine.

"Tsk! Baekhyun, I still have fifteen minutes until the next session. Can you please leave me alone so I can read the notes I took in his previous sessions so I can be prepared?" Instead of letting myself fall into his traps and subconsciously start spilling out everything, I just decided to throw him out of the room with my unbearable sudden change of mood.

The suspicion that once filled his eyes, was still there, lying comfortably as he placed everything scattered on the desk into its previous place on the tray, his void eyes never leaving mine. "Just keep running away from reality until you trip and find no one for help." And with that, he left the room leaving me totally dumbfounded by his whole weird attitude.

 

___________________________________

 

 

"Madame, can I ask you why you are in such a bad mood now? I mean, you were fine today's morning." Jamila asked, concern and worry never abandoning her subtle gaze.

"And why do you expect me to  _not_  be in a bad mood?" I replied with a counter question, a peck of anger shimmering in my voice. I hated pouring all of my anger on Jamila when all she did was genuinely care for me and show her appreciation towards me but she was the only one whom I could treat rudely without fearing a devilish backfire on me because I knew that she understood what it was like to be in my place. As much as I hated admitting it, I felt slightly relieved that Baekhyun might have been informed about Junmyeon and I's little incident by Jamila, but also, I couldn't help the stinging feeling of betrayal that cut through my skin, and as much as I had been trying to put my anger and disappointment to sleep all along the car ride to this hideous mansion, I could not help but be infuriated by the slight mention of her name when I met one of the maids who told me that she was up there, cleaning my room.

"I was just asking to see if anything went wrong in work, I know some cases do stress you out." She slightly shook her head, plastering a feeble smile on her face. "Do you want to talk about it?" Her voice shimmered with a quiet peck of excitement as her feeble smile turned into a bigger one.

Her smile died down as quickly as it was formed upon hearing my full-of-venom words. "And why would I want to share such things with you?" The harshness that lingered in my raucous voice did not only surprise her but it surprised me as well.

She let out a breath nervously, clutching on the wiper she held. "I did not mean anything. I just thought you were comfortable with telling me your cases as you have already done it for a few times."

"Jamila, I know I am the one who beckoned you into crossing this red line I have around my personal life. But, just as carelessly as I let you in, I can always eliminate you with the slight blink of my lashes." I cocked a single eyebrow, the look of anger mixed with a strong feeling of superiority never abandoning my burning gaze. Jamila just nodded her head silently and turned around to continue on cleaning while I continued dressing myself with my favourite lavender-fragranced cream.

I looked at Jamila's reflection in the mirror and studiedly eyed her carefully cleaning the window. "Mr Baekhyun told you, didn't he?" She dramatically twisted her body in slow-motion to look at me through the mirror, guiltiness and heaviness of responsibility wearying out her subtle eyes. My expression remained the same, although I had been internally shocked by her courage to face me with what she had done, and the courage to bring it up before I even do, even when she wasn't 100% sure if he did tell me or not, I made it look like I was not affected in any way. When I didn't reply, she took it as a yes and hanged her head gloomily as her chest heaved with a sigh. "I only did this because I thought he would be able to help you, considering he is your childhood friend. I just couldn't stand the fact that you were not going to tell anyone about his brutality and constant carelessness. I couldn't stand the fact that you were even trying to overpower this incident and burn it into ashes, even in you, and I couldn't help but react with my heart instead of my mind when I first saw him and spill everything out, Madame!"

"You have not seen everything, so why did you assume that it was his fault and started out rumors? He didn't really mean it and I never really blamed him; it was all the doings of fate." I stated sternly, watching carefully her every movement. She lifted her head to look at me, disappointment replaced the guiltiness her eyes once held.

"Madame! Please, do not normalize what happened!" Jamila raised her voice in disbelief making me turn to face her. I felt like a child being scolded for my wrong beliefs. And despite the annoyance that I was teemed with, I felt slightly relieved that there was someone who was purely willing to wake me up and bring me down to earth. "You are not going to let this pass like everything else, are you?" Her voice adopted a soft tone once again as she approached me slowly.

"I am willing to accept whatever comes my way, I have done this all my life. Why should I change now?" My lips formed a bitter smirk, slightly hanging my head downwards. I, myself, was very disappointed with the way I have always willed and am willing to consider my fatal life decisions. But, I got so adapted to it to the extent that it would feel weird to do otherwise.

"Just as you convince other people to change their lives, as you did with me, you can do the same thing to yourself." Jamila ran her fingers along her formal attire and tug at it awkwardly, avoiding my gaze. "If the only person, who made me gather the pieces of my shattered life and convinced me that I can continue on even if it was only a cheap glue that stuck those pieces together, is falling apart, then, what should I do?"

"Jamila!" I slightly exclaimed, a frown of annoyance adopting my thick eyebrows. "Every person needs a different prescription just as every person requires a different course of psychotherapy, and everyone tends to continue on with whatever makes them feel better. So, if I feel better when I do this, I should continue doing so." I put a reassuring hand on Jamila's small shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

"Do you really feel better whenever you normalize everything and treat them as if they were of no significance?" Jamila's sparkling eyes looked at my relenting, worn out ones. "If you say yes, I will not argue further. But, please remember there are better ways to work out your problems rather than always blame yourself and normalize things, to be able to annihilate everything altogether."

Silence fell upon us both, the atmosphere around us thickening that it was almost suffocating. I drew back the tears that were willing to show up as I confidently convinced myself and was willing to convince the person in front of me with my venomous beliefs. "Just as I stretch my legs as much as the size of my quilt allows me to in winter to stay warm, I have got to mould myself into the fair space life offered to me so I can continue on living."

And with that Jamila took my answer as yes, and nodded her head gloomily before turning around to continue cleaning the window she never finished cleaning. I let out a sigh of both relief and disappointment.

Should I really go talk to him? I wonder if he really will be willing to talk about this, it has been a whole two weeks since we last had a genuine conversation, none of us was interested enough to initiate a conversation, nor to end one. The only few things we exchanged over the two weeks, were stolen glances, fake good mornings and goodnights, handing in and out some papers and some incomplete sentences during the countable family gatherings we had. It was pointless to talk to him when he never saw reason in what I say.

"Madame, dinner had been served and Mr Junmyeon is awaiting your arrival in the dining hall." Laila, the oldest and most cunning maid we had, stated firmly as she stood still within the threshold of the door. I looked over at Jamila who looked at me with a similar expression, and I can feel her mentally rolling her eyes as well. We both never liked Laila for she had been nothing but an enemy to us. Jamila, whom had been terrorized and severely emotionally bruised by Laila's devilish treatment and long-termed lessons when she was first assigned to work in this mansion and the numerous times she tried to set Jamila up, making Jamila and I finally assume that she had been jealous of our friendship and exchanged trust, of which she had none. I personally never really made an attempt to like her for I, from the very first time I had been met with her unrelenting features, I knew she was not that one maid you would want to be met with all day, and later on, after complaining to Junmyeon a couple of times and almost begging him to fire her, I realized that he could never do so, because she had always been with him, ever since he was a child, she brought him up, fed him, taught him, dressed him and even bathed him until he became an adult, so, he was really attached to her to some extent and so I understood why she treats me in such a way. Because she allowed herself to give herself a space that was too much for her, and without realizing, she, too, became attached to him to the extent that she felt jealous of me, not because she wanted to be in my place, but she thought of herself as close as his mother was to him.

"Okay." I slightly nodded my head, never meeting her usually-fuming gaze as I went to the closet to pick a black robe that I assumed would suit the grey dress I was wearing.

Jamila and I never exchanged a word, and I felt relieved that Jamila's and I conversation was put to an end, even if it was for someone whom I had great hatred towards. I took slow steps lazily towards the staircase that was elegantly covered with a unique adorned carpet. My light slippers barely making any sound as I descended the stairs. As soon as I had arrived at the dining hall, I was met with the deliciously pleasant smell of food mixed with a faded glitter of a man's cologne that I have always enjoyed.

"Good evening." Junmyeon sheepishly greeted, with a genuinely fake smile formed. I ignored his greeting and made my way to sit on the chair next to him.

"Why are you here so early?" I asked, slightly annoyed as soon as I settled myself on the chair and picked my fork up to take a pickled olive that sat elegantly upon the porcelain white floral plate. Junmyeon just shook his head, not so pleased with my reaction but still managed to hold on a delicate smile. "Baekhyun said that someone came to my clinic today, and said that you were the one who recommended me to him, is it true? You have never done such a thing before?" I devoured the olive all at once, as I eyed him questioningly before averting my eyes to pick another olive.

"I only thought he needed a counselling session since he was so emotionally unstable after the accident he had, which caused both him and his mother to have a very hard operation. He literally believes that it is his fault that his mother is now lying lifelessly in the CCU." Junmyeon stated blankly as the smile that once adopted his lips fell dead, and he pressed his lips into a thin line, as he concentrated on perfecting the napkin around the neckline of his neatly buttoned shirt.

"Really?! I did not really meet him, it was only Baekhyun who talked to him." I stated as I studied his actions carefully, allowing myself to get amused by his neatness. "Were you the one who performed his operation?"

"Why else would I recommend you to him?" He replied mockingly as soon as he had been done with the napkin and raised his head to meet my eyes, however, our eye contact was short since he was the one to avert his gaze to start out eating. "He had several internal injuries, it took seven hours to finally be able to wrap up the operation. It was the hardest operation I have performed in a while."

"But still, what made you feel like he wants psychotherapy?"

"Isn't it your job to know?"

"I told you already, that I couldn't meet him today because I was already in a session. Do you think he needs quick therapy? Baekhyun had to schedule his appointments after two weeks because I do not really have any free time."

"If he already had a session with Baekhyun then I do not really think you have to make his appointment early." After swallowing his food, he looked at me, with one eyebrow arched. "Why did you go today anyway?"

"People are not going to wait forever, are they? Plus, I will never forgive myself if someone suddenly decided to stop their sessions just because he/she thought I didn't care enough to be there for her/him." I stated as I replaced my fork and knife as quietly as possible next to my plate and reached my arm out to take a tissue.

"Woah! You really touched my heart!" He clutched his chest mockingly only to earn a look of disgust from my side.

"Mhm..." I blinked slowly as to show him that he was not being funny at all, and slowly averted my eyes to my plate, of which I had already grown sick. "I'm done eating," I informed as I hurriedly stood up after pushing my chair backwards. As usual, I did not really await a response or a reaction as I was already taking my first step towards the door, but, much to my surprise Junmyeon's hand made a gentle connection with mine, which was aimlessly wandering around the edge of the table as I walked. I blinked twice, trying to suppress the sudden violating butterflies that were revived by the very familiar touch of his.

Junmyeon looked at me blankly, his eyes void with emotions as he took off his hand. "We will have lunch tomorrow at my parents', so make sure to be free at 3 pm."

"How?" I gasped, a look of irritation explicit on my face. "I have yet another seven appointments tomorrow, and I truly cannot postpone them anymore. It will be truly disrespectful!" I said as I took a seat once again, pleadingly looking into his unaltered eyes.

Junmyeon finally sighed as he wiped the corners of his lips with his napkin before throwing it aimlessly on the table. "Instead of starting your sessions at 12 you can start out early in the morning or postpone the appointments that are at the same time of lunchtime for a few hours. It would be more disrespectful to decline my father's invitation."

"Ugh! You could have at least told me earlier so I can make everything up." I almost face palmed myself, mentally throwing the plates that were seated peacefully upon the table across the room, but, I managed to remain quiet and calm, externally.

"He only told me an hour ago." He stated monotonously seating both of his elbows on the table.

He received nothing but a simple nod as I saw it pointless to take this conversation any further since it would be almost impossible to avoid such an unimportant visit to a house I have always loathed. And although I wanted to continue on having such a peaceful, normal and almost void-of-arguments conversation, I did not really have anything to say, or could not even know how to initiate another conversation with another topic. Having a normal conversation with Junmyeon was something that was too foreign to everyone trapped in this mansion, it only happened countable times when Junmyeon felt like talking or felt like he is a good mood, or when I felt careless enough to continue talking even when I know he does not want to talk. I never really questioned why he would sometimes be in a good mood and finally let loose, which does not mean I was not curious, because just the mere thought of having a normal conversation with him that was as rare as pigs that could fly, I had been content enough to enjoy the moment without questioning it.

The moment I opened my mouth to finally initiate another conversation, I was stopped by Laila who burst the door open making me slightly shriek, and I was about to scold her for entering the room without even knocking but I stopped myself when I was met with the acute horrified expression that adopted her features.

"What is it?!" Junmyeon and I both spoke up simultaneously, surprised and annoyed.

Laila totally ignored my existence and only looked at Junmyeon, looking deeply into his eyes for a couple of moments before hesitatingly speaking up. "Sir, Mr Sehun is here. He wants to see you."

A look of worry struck Junmyeon's face as he hastily pushed his chair backwards to stand up, and took large steps towards the door, with his eyebrows wrinkled. "Why all of a sudden? He didn't even call." He muttered loudly while making his way out of the room.

I subconsciously mimicked his actions and anxiously followed him towards where Sehun was. Upon seeing Sehun's condition, who was all soaked from rain, a dramatic loud gasp escaped my mouth causing Junmyeon to look back at me, completely irritated. "Sehun!" I called out his name brittlely, placing my palm in front of my lips. "Why did you get yourself soaked? Laila, go get him towels, quickly!" I moved my hand towards the staircase motioning Laila to go get the towels without even looking at her as I hastened my pace to where Sehun stood lost and puzzled.

"Bijoux," Junmyeon spoke up quietly as he put a shielding arm in front of my torso to stop me from walking any farther, his eyes never leaving Sehun. "Give us a minute." He demanded blankly as he slightly twisted his body and put both his hands on my shoulders to turn my body and so I was faced with the staircase, a few meters away from me, and gently pushed me to indicate that I should go upstairs.

I knew how these two brothers can be so secretive sometimes and I never minded it, suppressing my curiosity every time they longed to have a space for themselves, but this time, it was definitely different. Sehun's emotional devastation was too acute on his face that I could not shrug off the scary aura it held. His eyes were red, he was soaked and he only looked at Junmyeon the whole time never even glancing at the worried me. But what was weirder than Sehun was  _Junmyeon_ , who without talking, got Sehun's message and aimed to throw me out of their little world of secrets. I did not budge for a couple of moments, but I finally decided to let it pass. I looked back at Sehun once again trying to furtherly figure out what was going on, but it was all in vain since I was gently pushed once again, therefore my legs unconsciously took hurried steps towards the staircase.

As soon as I had been in the middle of the staircase, I was met with Laila who held a number of towels tightly. I took the opportunity to look back at Sehun and Junmyeon only to find them sitting in a farther place, on a sofa, too close to each other. I watched as Junmyeon whispered something and gently patted Sehun's back who hanged his head low allowing his moist hair to make way for drops of water to collide with his beige pants and cause darker circles. I stood there for a couple of moments, clutching tightly on the handrail, watching them silently, majorly overwhelmed by the uncommon scene of a caring older brother who had always claimed to be cold and inconsiderate. I was finally able to see a different façade of Junmyeon, a facade that he knew how to hide so well from me. Junmyeon suddenly raised his head along with his eyebrows and squinted his eyes questioningly as to ask why I was still here. I slightly shrieked causing one of my feet to twist but luckily, I managed to reflex faster than I had expected I would and got a grip on the handrail of the staircase anew. I smiled sheepishly at Junmyeon and Sehun who were both now studying me carefully.

None of the three presences made a move until they all were reassured that I would not attempt to eavesdrop again since I was already, visibly, walking into my room.

"Eung? You're still cleaning the room?!" I asked Jamila as soon as I had entered my room, totally confused as to why she took so long to clean a room that was not even so dirty.

"I'm sorry. I have caught a flu today and am slightly tired, so it took much longer this time in cleaning." Jamila spoke up feebly as she held on the vase being cleaned.

"No worries. You can leave everything as it is now, I want you to do something else." I stated whisperingly beckoning her to come closer, and so she did. "I want you to eavesdrop what Sehun has to say to Junmyeon downstairs."

 

 

 

**_\- I, an intellectual who ships sesu, decided to make sehun suho's brother because there has to be some sesu moments, even if angst aND EVEN IF THEY ARE JUST BROTHERS_ **

**_\- Thank you for making your way through this ugly unedited ff._ **


	5. 五

I delicately tugged at Junmyeon's sleeve, who stood next to me and was ready to take his treads towards the staircase, so no one could notice my little movement. Junmyeon's sensitivity to touches was quick to acknowledge my mere touch and so he hung his head low to look at me with faint puzzlement glistering his big dark eyes. I pointed my finger at the vacant place on the couch beside me, on which he sat comfortably moments ago, therefore, he hastily took in my message and sat down next to me, slightly leaning his head so I could whisper whatever I wanted to say. A faint, but genuine smile, adorned my reddish lips at our little, but of great significance, delicate moment, but I was quick to wipe my smile away and subdue my childish feelings of happiness and content before he gets impatient. I leaned forward, my index and thumb still delicately tucking at the edge of his navy blue suit's sleeve. "I do not want to sit here with these women alone, can I go sit in your room until you finish?" I asked, referring to the small crowd of women that accompanied Junmyeon's mother to greet, or much get their noses into our life, us. Junmyeon lifted his hand up to fix his tie, abandoning my tender touch.

"Do as you desire." He answered in a monotonous, dull voice while getting ready to stand up anew, still fixing his tie with both of his hands. He lowered his head once again to look at my eyes that were lifted up to look at his. His gaze was quick, unreadable, and vacant of emotions, yet I still felt content looking at them.

As soon as Junmyeon took a couple of steps outward the little circle the women formed after, almost, shooting each one of them a faint smile and while verbally excusing himself, I mimicked his actions, painfully lifting the corners of my lips up to form a pale, acceptable smile that no one seemed to mind.

I hastened my pace to be able to catch up with Junmyeon's large ones, but since I was wearing a tight dress, his pace was quite beyond my capacity so I just went to my normal small steps, it was not like we were going to walk in the same way, anyway.

He climbed the flight of stairs, hastily taking two steps each time, which was also beyond my capacity and as soon as he reached the top of the stairs he turned right and got swallowed into that long mysterious hall I have always wanted to enter but never did because simply I was never allowed to wander around this mansion as I desired, so I had to suppress my curiosity for four years and suffer my lack of knowledge.

On reaching the last step of the staircase I walked to the left, which led to the area where bedrooms were located, including Junmyeon's. I took the opportunity that no one was lurking around and bent down to untie my ankle strap heels, around which my ankle was wrapped, to take them off. I let out a moan upon feeling the relief of having my feet free again. Like a light feather, I ran in the hallway hurriedly to Junmyeon's room so no one can see me in such "a low state" that would only cause Junmyeon and me severe criticism.

I was unexpectedly feeling slightly light today, or at least not sad. I did know why I was so, but I assumed it was because I was finally able to suppress my sadness again and I was finally proceeding in forgetting that little incident that caused my anguish and depression for weeks. I bit my lower lip amusingly as soon as I had been met with the familiar scent and atmosphere of Junmyeon's room. Everything was neatly placed and cleaned as if no one had laid a finger on a thing. And just because I never get enough of my curiosity and I did not come here for nothing, I wasted no time to make my way to Junmyeon's safe to read yet another chapter of his adolescent diaries. I carefully pressed the numbers that would form his birthday date. Yes, his safe's password was  _that_  simple. The first time I ever tried to open it I really did not expect it to be so easy but it turned out to be right. I was a little sad when I told him once that I have read his diaries and already know its password because I thought he would change it in the blink of an eye, but much to my luck, I guess he didn't really have enough time to change it. I flexed my hand and extended it into the safe to fetch the big diary which was adorned with a unique jagged black-leathered cover.

I walked over to the bed and threw myself onto it so I was on my back and my mid-lengthened hair was scattered everywhere haphazardly, I lifted my arms along with the diary above my head and aimlessly flicked through the pages so I could find the last date I read.

_Aged: 13_

_Today, I have yet another story of betrayal._

_The one whom I thought was my friend's betrayal._

_Today, he was different, his attitude towards me was so strange and so was everyone's glances and audible whispers whenever I passed them._

_But knowing how childish everyone can be I ignored all of this._

_I went to my class, sat at the front desk where I usually sit and did my best to remain to be the number one student my father has always told me to be._

_I reminded my teachers of all the homework due today, answered almost all of the questions asked by the teachers, took my English test, which I assured my mother was as easy as a pie as soon as I came home._

_But, when it was the break's time, I realized that whispers weren't something of mere significance, there was absolutely something behind these glances and those weird attitudes I received from everyone that never seemed to subside._

_As I stood in my place, back straightened, with my tray in a line to get my food, I met my friend,_ _**Yifan** _ _, who was my friend of months now. I liked him so much ever since I saw him playing soccer and out of all the players I have seen he was the best player that ever stepped into the Football pitch. I was so mesmerized by the way he played that I even went to him and asked him to teach me soccer which he gladly accepted. I was grateful he was new to school, he did not know me well to judge me constantly like others did, he did not hate me because I had higher marks than him, he did not hate me because I tattled on him to teachers when he did something wrong as my good nature tells me to whenever someone does something wrong, he did not hate me for not being able to communicate with other students as well as I communicate with books and equations, simply, he did not know me to hate me. Our friendship was pure, the purest friendship I have ever had ever since I entered this school, he told me everything about himself and his life and so did I. He would help me and teach me how to play soccer, basketball and even taught me some martial arts he had learned from his father while I taught him science and how to solve equations, taught him English and how to form sentences, taught him how to study and get high marks. I never wrote about him in my diary because I thought he would last forever, unlike everyone else, I thought I no longer needed to write about my sadness in this diary, but I am meant to live a hard life as my father has always told me, and now I am here sitting on my bed, tears in my eyes, heart aching, with this diary and a pen in my hand to write yet another tale of sadness._

_When I greeted him in the line he explicitly ignored me and turned his head to look at the boy next to him,_ _**Kyungsoo** _ _, who was smirking at me while watching my little embarrassing scene. I ignored him and looked forward, not attempting to even understand what was happening._

_Realization suddenly hit me._

_Two weeks ago, in my house, in my room,_ _**it hit me.** _

_Can he have....?_

_Kyungsoo_ _, the boy who was smirking at me suddenly shoved my shoulder to the side out of nowhere causing the tray I once held to fall on the ground and cause a loud thud._

_"Until when do you expect us to put up with your_   _hypocrisy?"_

_I was confused, I did not know what he was talking about, I was totally confused, yet everyone around me seemed to know what was going on._

_"What do you want from me?" I exclaimed pending down to pick up my tray but soon, it was pushed again causing yet another loud thud. I lifted my head angrily, my eyes fuming. "What is your problem?!"_

_"Did you really watch your younger sister's death as they say?"_

_I was shocked, no, shock would be an understatement._

_The expression my features held heavily explicitly told them the answer, which was yes, causing the corners of_ _Kyungsoo's_ _lips to fly upwards amusingly._

_"What are you talking about?" I still managed to gather my strength to ask another question, looking desperately at_ _Yifan_ _, whose hands were dug into his school uniform and head lifted upwards showing a sense of superiority, to interfere and snatch me out of this situation, but he stood there, blank and unreadable, silent and void._

_And then was when realization truly hit me._

_It was_ _Yifan_ _who told him, wasn't he?_

_I panicked, my breaths started to get really heavy it was suffocating me, I averted my eyes to look at_ _Kyungsoo_ _once again, who was known to hate me so much. Actually, it was not always like this, at first we liked each other, and we would help each other to improve every day, by exchanging notes, explaining the hard parts, and even cheating in exams, but even though we were both intellectually on the same level, I was always number one, something he was never really able to achieve. He has always been my number one opponent in projects, exams and even verbal communication with teachers. When students started to mock him for being number two and never being able to overcome me no matter how much he tries, he started to develop venomous feelings of pure hatred and jealousy towards me, and I too, subconsciously started to develop the same feelings too, but what truly ended our not so peaceful friendship, was when I caught him once cheating in an English exam from a small paper that he had. The exam that day was really hard and I had not studied well the day before because I was really sick, and I, to be able to save my skin and keep being number one, tattled on him to the teacher after the exam because I thought he would be able to get higher marks than mine, but unfortunately, some student was eavesdropping and rumors of me betraying my friend spread like wildfire around the school and that was how I ended up being a lone in school, no one trusted me._

_He finally found my weakest point and he was ready to aim arrows at it so I could bleed and wither so he can feed his vengeful, devilish side._

_"He really does not want to admit it, does he?"_ _Kyungsoo_ _chuckled softly, before making an about-turn in his facial expression and like a thunderstorm, anger struck his face and he jostled me into the crowd that was already formed around us, I couldn't avoid his hands, nor balance with my fragile body and so I fell on the ground_ _**along with my pride** _ _._

_I could not say a single word, my mouth has been paralyzed and all I could look at was_ _Yifan_ _who was coldly looking forward almost not giving the scene in front of him any attention. I just watched in slow motion all the food that was being thrown at me and mindlessly accepted all the physical and emotional pain, but still drew my tears back, I was not going to show them that I was weak I was not going to give in to all the hatred I was faced with all of sudden._

_I truly did not know that no one trusted me._

_I truly did not know that all these people really do hate me so much._

_An angelic voice to me, but a hideous shout to everyone around me, erupted ferociously and made everyone stop dead in their tracks. Almost everyone subsided throwing curses and food at me, and the circle around me loosened as everyone was taking a step back._

_It wasn't a teacher's voice, nor was it an adult's voice, it was a young girl's voice, just as young as we all are, and her voice was too familiar to my ears that it almost made me smile._

_Finally, someone who cared._

_The girl with thick eyebrows, dark brown alluring eyes, perfectly chopped fringes, propelled herself through the crowd, shoving everyone angrily aside._

_Bijoux-_

My body subconsciously flew upwards, abandoning the comfortable mattress. I speedily wiped my tears away to take a better look at my name that was written on Junmyeon's diary. Dark brown alluring eyes? Perfectly chopped fringes? I know that Junmyeon and I used to attend the same school until elementary school but we were never friends; The only thing I remember from our childhood years is that I hated him so much and I could not remember, nor imagine, that I would do such a thing to someone whom I claimed I hated so much. Our families were close since Junmyeon and I's fathers were friends ever since they were both in medical school abroad, after graduating and burning the candle at both ends trying to work efficiently for years, they both agreed to cooperate to amalgamate and amplify their mutual medical interests. It was why Junmyeon, Sehun and I were all almost forced to study medicine to take up where our fathers will leave off. But, the fact that our families were close never meant really meant that Junmyeon and I were close because as children, we really loathed each other, for I have always thought he is an arrogant who only cares about himself, his marks and his appearance, while he claimed he hated me for he thought I was a crybaby who always got what she wanted but little did he know that this was far from truth.

I know that my biggest weakness is my forgetfulness and weak memorization but I did not know it was weak to the extent that I would forget such an important situation between Junmyeon and me.

_**But unexpectedly he cared enough to write it down.** _

_Bijoux, whom I hated so much since I always love everything to be perfect, just as I had been raised up to be, I hated how she broke that rule so carelessly. When I visited her room once, it was pretty messy, her desk, on which she is supposed to study, there were books piled up and scattered everywhere leaving no room for one to study, she plays more than she studies, in school, she would lie, cheat on almost all tests, and even make pranks, she once even skipped school and forced me to lie to her parents so they could believe she just thought it was the bell of the last class, and yet, she was still appreciated and loved by both her father and mother, which made me despise her even more, because I, when I try my best to be perfect to please my parents, they still scold me, sometimes ignore me and sometimes tell me to work even harder. She always made her parents suffer because she never really got high marks, even though they were the highest according to girls, but to_ _Kyungsoo_ _and I, she was never able to top us, and that is why her parents would sometimes scold her in front of me and praise me in front of her, and that is why I assume she hates me._

_She shot numerous glares at everyone crossing her way, and stood there for quite a couple of moments just glaring at_ _Yifan_ _, which just confirmed my theory._

_**It was really him.** _

_"Are you all so stupid to believe someone who just transferred into school? Do you really think that_ _Junmyeon_ _is the kind of person that would tell such a secret, if he had one, to a mere transfer student, whom he had known for none other than a couple of weeks? Here I am, I have been his friend ever since we were just little babies and I never witnessed such a thing! You all never fail to amaze me, really!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, her face getting red, and her veins almost exploding due to the extreme stress. "Just mind your own business!" She bellowed even louder if it was even possible. When she made sure everyone was willing to stop bullying me she hanged her head to look into my dreamy, dull eyes with her fuming, reddened ones. "And you! Are you a little child? Can't you even help yourself with some rumors?!" She did not shout, but her voice was loud enough to be heard by me and the few people that were still making their way away. She suddenly looked at her side to see_ _Kyungsoo_ _approaching us once again, "You better stop before I spread such childish scandalous news about you too, and you pretty much know how much students around here love this kind of stuff!" And with that, all she did was push him aggressively and hurriedly bend down to help me stand up. Her hands were so delicate and the way she supported me made all the hatred and despise I had towards her to vanish into thin air._

_This situation taught me to not judge a book by its cover. And this situation, even though it demolished a part of my pride, it still built another façade that I will show to everyone starting from tomorrow at school._


	6. 三

** _Third person narration_ **

_"I'm pregnant," Bijoux stated flatly, clutching the soft silk material of her beige night gown as she stood slightly nervously in Junmyeon's office who was too absorbed in his work to function the horrific news she came into the office, she barely visits, to announce with null emotions in her eyes._

_He wrinkled his eyebrows and averted his eyes in slow motion to look at her from above his glasses, completely not taking in what she just said. "Huh?"_

_She sighed in irritation as she weighed her body on one leg and crossed her arms. "I said I'm pregnant!" In contrary to what she imagined his reaction would be like, his confused eyebrows flew upwards in amusement as he elegantly took off his glasses and gently placed them on his reddish-brown mahogany desk._

_"How do I make sure it is my child you are carrying and not someone else's?" He sank into his leathered chair and classily crossed his legs. His words of carelessness shot daggers of fuel into Bijoux's flaming body causing her to eye him disgustingly as her upper lip quivered in complete frustration._

_"I am not here to joke!" She screeched slapping his laptop aside with an aggressive force. The laptop was about to fall but Junmyeon's fast reflexing leg stopped it from falling and safely placed it again on the desk._

_"Neither am I, so please go back to your room and let me continue my work." His once amused expression was completely washed away by a dull one as he restrained his posture, put his glasses again and was ready to go back to work when Bijoux's voice stopped him._

_Bijoux brushed her fingers through her bangs, frustratingly ruffling it into its usual chaotic state. "I will never get enough of calling you a coward, really! I am not going anywhere, Junmyeon! And since I told you that I am pr-" Bijoux's stubbornness was thrown into oblivion with the loud thud Junmyeon caused when he aggressively shut down his laptop, explicit hints of irritation plastered on his face._

_"And since I told you to already go back to your room, I think you should drop that attitude of yours and do go to your room!" His voice was loud enough to fill the four-walled room they were swallowed in, but it was not loud enough to be considered yelling, yet, it never failed to increase Bijoux's irritation._

_"Why don't you face this situation like a grown-up man instead of being a coward?!" Bijoux raised her voice again, sending daggers right into Junmyeon's skin._

_"Do you really think you are any more courageous to face this situation?" He questioned, an unreadable expression on his face._

_"At least I am willing to accept it?!" Bijoux shook her head questioningly, almost questioning his whole existence._

_He sighed in complete irritation, throwing his head backwards once again. "So what do you want now?"_

_"It is not like I will raise this child alone, is it?" She crossed her arms, slightly cocking her head to the side._

_"Okay, I am going to take care of it, I think it is a gift from God so we can work up this cataclysmic marriage." He blurted out carelessly with an unreadable expression and void eyes. His action only caused more confusion to Bijoux rather than happiness or hopefulness, but all of her confusion was wiped out by his next venomous words. "You came here thinking I would say that, didn't you?"_

_"Humph! The only thing I thought about while walking into this hellhole of yours is how ridiculous your expression would be." She spat venomously as she uncrossed her arms and aimed with both of her hands to push the desk, before which he was seated comfortably._

_The desk was vigorously pushed in his direction, causing an elegantly adorned antique to roll along his chest and then fall to the floor with a loud thud. Junmyeon cocked one of his eyebrows as he crossed his legs anew, an ambiguous expression adapted his face as he nodded to himself for some reason Bijoux knew nothing about._

_"Get out." His voice was surprisingly calm. He stared at his desk absentmindedly, not even glancing once at Bijoux. By now Bijoux knew that she had pushed his buttons and she was ready to push them to the limits unless he admits the child she is carrying within her fragile body._

_She started shouting as she held the edge of the desk before her tightly, with both hands. "I am not going to get out of here anytime soon unless y-"_

_She was soon cut by the raging voice of Junmyeon's as he abruptly stood up and subconsciously mimicked her actions as he got a grip on the edge of the desk with both of his hands tightly. "Goddammit, Bijoux!" He leaned his head forward as he shouted, to be face to face with none other than Bijoux. Their hot breaths and angrily expanding chests almost collided as they glared ferociously at one another, ready to rip each other's hair off. "Don't-"_

_He was cut off by Bijoux's forced words through gritted teeth. "I am going to do the opposite of whatever you say! You better stop telling me what to do and what not to do!"_

_"Or what?" Junmyeon bayed, sending daggers into Bijoux's eyes._

_"You don't want me to tell your father about this all, do you?"_

_"I would love to see try."_

_"Hah! Watch me do it!" Bijoux sneered and as soon as she had fed her amusement with Junmyeon's fuming expression, she gave him one last smirk and turned to make her way out of the door. She was not really going to do it because she knew better but she wanted to at least infuriate him._

_Junmyeon ran out of his quota of taking in and enduring all the anger he had been filled up with since that very morning, and he grabbed the first harmful object he was met with, which was another gilded antiquity of a_ _neighing horse and threw it towards Bijoux who stood not so far away from where he was. Bijoux was quick to notice his movement and she dodged it by taking a couple of steps backwards hastily. She let out a scream as the back of her heel collided with one of the chair's legs. She didn't get the chance to balance herself as she was soon enough met with the hard surface of the long wooden shelf of books. Pain shot all over her back and neck and soon enough the strong impact of this hit was alternated to her abdomen. She held tightly on her stomach, completely screwing her face in pain. She breathed in and out repeatedly while Junmyeon stood still in his position watching her condition in complete horror, not being able to do anything or even function what was happening. Another scream escaped her quivering lips as soon as another shot of throbbing pain had adopted her abdomen._

_Drops of a hot liquid collided with the cold floor, on which Bijoux sat lifelessly, making her eyes shot open, thoroughly horrified. She lowered her head, and slightly opened the robe, into which she was wrapped, to see what was sneaking on her thighs. Withered strings of hopefulness managed to trick her into thinking that it could be anything else but blood, but, when she looked down she found nothing else **but blood.**_

_All the strength she once had was oblivious and dull. She couldn't scream, the only thing she felt against the skin of were the suffocative lump of saliva building up. She looked at Junmyeon's horrified eyes with her worn out ones as she voiced an inaudible "Junmyeon"._

_She absorbed the abdominal pain that shot through all of her body once again and functioned what was happening. "Junmeyeon!" She let a sob escape her quivering lips while calling his name again but this time with an audible voice that drew Junmyeon's spacing off attention back to reality._

_Their gazes locked, and he ran up to her as soon as he had functioned the situation. "Bi-"_

_"What is this, Junmyeon? What is happening to me?" She hurriedly spoke up, reaching out her right arm to grip Junmyeon's reddened cheek when he reaches her, while her other hand was still placed on her stomach, tightly clutching it._

_She placed her hand on his cheek when he reached and crouched beside her, his hands absentmindedly roaming all over her red night gown that was once beige._

_"Call the ambulance, Junmyeon! I can't take the pain anymore." She swallowed her dry saliva as she clutched on both the hem of Junmyeon's half buttoned shirt and on her aching stomach._

_"No!" She eyed him questioningly, scrunching her nose. "I will call a private doctor now for a quick evacuation! No one has to know about this!" He hurriedly spoke up, as he searched his pockets desperately to call a private doctor that he knew. The words he said left Bijoux completely speechless and shocked. fell agape and she silently watched his blurred figure with her drizzling eyes as he nervously dialed a number and put up the phone against his ear. The hand that once clutched Junmyeon's shoulder for emotional aid and support fell lifelessly to Bijoux's side, and was, too, soaked in blood._

_More and more tears gathered and rolled down her scarlet cheeks. She couldn't hold all the emotions that yearned to lament the feeling of loss and disappointment and catalyzed her tears. After finishing the phone call, Junmyeon turned to her and extended his arm to wipe her tears but she subconsciously rejected the gentle attempt as she hastily slapped him across the face with all the might and strength she managed to gather, tears racing to roll down her reddish cheeks._

_He remained frozen for a couple of moments before turning to face her again but he was met with another slap, traces of blood staining his cheek._

_"Sustain yourself, Bijoux! Don't act like this is my fault!" Instead of being met with another slap, he was met with an eardrum-shattering scream and a number of insignificant haphazard punches colliding with his tensed body._

_"Stop! Stop! Stop!" She continued on screaming and hitting him until she felt no more strength to even speak, and he let her do all she wanted to do. He didn't know why he let her do all she desired but it felt right. Maybe because he felt guilty? Maybe because he knew she wasn't in a condition where she could really sustain herself? Or maybe he preferred to take it all out on him now instead of gathering all the pain inside and pile them up on all of what she already has within her soul like she always does?_

_They both remained silent for what seemed like forever, Junmyeon impatiently waiting for the doctor's arrival, while Bijoux just sat lifelessly beside him, fighting with all the strength she had not to lose consciousness. A knock on the door caused Junmyeon to shoot his head towards the door while Bijoux remained silent. The door was carefully and slowly opened, and a maid with a cup of coffee on a tray appeared with a faint smile on her lips. As soon as the maid had been met with the horrific scene in front of her and all the dark blood that stained Bijoux's nightgown, her hands flew to her gaped mouth letting go of the tray she once held as she let out a high-pitched short scream._

_"Madame!" Jamila screamed once again as she ran to where they were both seated lifelessly._

_"Get out and-and make sure no-nobody enters this room." To Junmyeon's surprise, Bijoux was the first to speak up with her barely audible and weak voice as she pointed a finger at Jamila to signal her to close the door. "And you," She didn't even bother to move her head to look at who she was talking to. She spoke with an unfamiliarly to Junmyeon's ear firmness in her voice. "Make sure to meet the doctor before anyone else and guide him into this room before anyone does; I don't want any of those maids knowing anything about this!"_

_Jamila froze for a second but hastily nodded her head and got out of the room, slowly closing the door behind her when Bijoux waved her hand to dismiss her. Junmyeon froze in his position, completely surprised by her firmness and decisions._

_" **Why did you-"**_

_Junmyeon was not able to finish his question as Bijoux was quick to cut him off. "You do not want rumors spreading like wildfire, do you?"_

 

_\---------------------------------------_

 

Her chest heaved with a sigh, and as much as she hated crying she couldn't stop the tears that were about to flow out of her sparklingly drizzling eyes. She couldn't help but welcome the aching pain that moved at a snail's pace into her heart, that system-demolishing pain.

She looked out the window, her palm supporting her head, and mournfully watched the dark clouds hastily moving accompanied with the furious winds to moist the ground with its flood. She was reminded of herself, the mournful clouds that gathered upon her and strived to teem showers of acidic anguish to wear out her fragile soul. Her breaths, they were so hard to take as she felt her an invisible force pressing it.

She let out a sob, her eyes teemed with tears and so it was even harder to watch the trees and the beautiful scene she had yearned to see all year since winter was her favorite season and the smell of rain was her main source of happiness.

"The stars that look so alluringly beautiful amidst the dreadful dark night that I had always taken as symbolism of goodness standing and shining fearlessly amidst this rotten world have become so null and insignificant to me when I realized one day, when I slept on the hard cold floor of our rooftop and peacefully watched them, how insignificant, despite their alluring beauty, they are when a mere cloud, pushed by the force of wind, covered them all and annihilated their charming beauty along with their light without even initiating a war. And when the slightest frightful calling out of the sun's rays scared the only thing that made them beautiful  _off_. The whole vivid scene made me realize how insignificant I was, in a world that was filled with everything but peace, how chaotically I stood in the midst of the haphazardly rushing winds of time. I had always wanted to portray the happy girl who never got stressed, and when she was merely stressed out because of studying or something of mere significance, she knew how to throw it off her shoulder. But little did I know that the things I thought were insignificant weren't really so and that I was building everything up ever since I was an elementary school girl till this very day. Little did I know that all the things I sloppily threw off my shoulder were being piled up and piled up until there was no room left for more. One day, when a patient who mirrored a distorted reflection of me, everything that was being piled up by the careless old me, who never cared enough to take care of the things that bothered her so much properly, collided with my worn out self, as I was voyaging through the sea of time. It hit me like an iceberg in the middle of the dark blue  _cold_ sea. I found myself alone, bruised and injured, shivering and sinking. No matter how much I try to take it all in, the suffocation, the fear of darkness, the coldness of the raging water, and the scream that never escapes my mouth, I always managed to fail. And as much as I hate crying in front of you, I cannot cry in front of anyone but you. No matter how much I hate you, I still manage to find ways to forgive you. I know I have always thought it was a burden to have a child while I lived with someone like you, someone who doesn't even bother to glance at me or bother to check if I was well or just withering inside. But when I first knew that I was pregnant I was unexpectedly extremely happy before I was brought back down to earth and your reaction slapped me across the face. It was when I finally realized that if this child was born, he would have lived into nothing but pure chaos and would have never found peace within himself, just like his parents, whose ears were too foreign to the word 'peace'. What was much more depressing to me over the past few days was the fact that the prevailing part of me felt relieved that he was not born, because I couldn't afford to thrive a child when I desired to perish, I couldn't afford to love it when I hated myself, I couldn't afford to make it happy when I fed myself with agony, and I couldn't afford to help him find peace when I had no peace within myself. But there is still this part in me that laments the deceased  _it_ , laments the fact that I didn't even know if it was a girl or a boy to be able to at least use the proper pronoun instead of calling my first child a mere it. It felt like I, for the first time, had seen the light in the deep dark blue ocean, but little did I know as I was approaching this mere light of happiness that I would be met with more grieve. I can't take it anymore, Junmyeon, I can absolutely not take it anymore, the way the world manages to treat me so cruelly. I am tired of the perfectly photographed life we show to people. I am tired of people taking decisions on behalf of me. I am tired of listening to people's stories of deep sadness when I cannot even listen to mine. I am tired of solving everyone's psychological problems and easing their pains away when all I do to myself is absentmindedly welcome all the pain." Her tranquilly nasal voice collided with the cold atmosphere surrounding them, unwillingly adding more grief upon Junmyeon and her chest. She surrendered to her silent tears, red cheeks and nose, and welcomed every skip of a heartbeat. "Don't I deserve to cry out all of my griefs as well? Forsake anguish when it rings a bell? To voice my opinions and scream when I want to? To do all the things that have always been taboo? Do I really need to endure the burden of all of this alone? And by myself do seek peace and chaos's dethrone? Don't I deserve to end this war within me? To unlock the chains wrapped around me and be..... set.. free?" Her voice started to fade, and her eyes started to close as she listened to the enchanting sound of rain colliding with the window, to which her ear was pressed, and her pacifying voice.

Junmyeon studied her fragile body for a couple of moments, his right hand clutched around the steering wheel. He looked at the road once again as he sighed before inaudibly speaking up as tranquilly as she did. "What would this hideous world we live in need from a pure person like you but to pulverize?"

\-----------------------------

-I know falling doesn't often cause a miscarriage but let's just say her pregnancy wasn't really stable and that's why she lost her first baby :(((((((((((((((((((

 

\- I don't like this chapter and I really wanted to edit it but I couldn't because I didn't want to reread it :((


	7. 六

_"Miss Bijoux,"_

_I slammed my pen on the desk and flung my notebook ferociously shut afterwards, angrily_ _turning my chair 180 degrees so I could see the maid._

_"I think I made it crystal clear that I do not want any kind of interruption because I'm trying to write!" I exclaimed at the young maid, completely irritated. I have had a writer's block for almost five long months and now that I am off it, I keep getting distractions from everywhere around me, school's uncountable exams, practical training with my father and in college, a number of unnecessary home parties that I have to attend even though I do not have any part in them. Maids, from the youngest to the eldest, knew how much I get infuriated by the mere distractions they cause while I'm writing, therefore, they have always made sure not to disturb me in any way while writing, and I, for more emphasis, would remind them a hundred times before I imprison myself in my room to try and create something worth reading._

_"Your father wants you in his office." The maid did not budge after receiving my rude, unusual attitude and stated in a monotonous tone before non-verbally excusing herself and closing the door afterward. I, therefore, like a mere leaf in the breeze of mid-summer, flew to my closet to pick up something presentable to wear so I can meet my father; he wasn't one of those fathers with whom you can sit comfortably, wearing your cheapest and ugliest clothes, or simply make noises and talk weirdly as your nature lures you to. He was_ _over-controlling_ _in all aspects of my life that he even controlled how I should be dressed in front of him, I do understand that he wanted me to always look presentable, not specifically to him, but to everyone and I respected the fact that he wanted to teach me such a thing but it was suffocating, the fact that I couldn't have a normal father like others. To whom you can talk informally and joke around, around whom you can goof without fearing being scolded, for whom you can say or do something good and expect a warm hug in return, with whom you can sit until moon bids the sky farewell. But as I grew older and he, too, grew older he knew how to voice his feelings, he knew that I needed warm hugs and supportive words more than orders and constant lecturing about things I never cared about. However, it was too late, whenever he tends to tell me any kind of good words now, they immediately melt vainly within me, just like entering one ear and leaving the other without a single trace. And when he would give me one of the warm hugs I had always longed for when I was younger, I would feel burdened to wrap my arms around him. Howsoever, as you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, my father, as much as he learned to do a few things that could make me happy, he still did a lot of other things that would throw all of his efforts down the trash can. He never knew how to weed out this pollutive trait out of my life, that one trait that tarnished the luster of my dreams and appetite for life._

_After audibly knocking on my father's door, he opened the door for me with a wide warm smile adorning his lips._

_"Hello, father." I greeted shyly, plastering a wide smile on my lips too. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a warm embrace and I dove in it, wrapping my arms around his waist._

_"So, if I don't call for you, you will never come to see me and check on me?" He spoke up gently as he loosened his arms, and so did I._

_"I was studying, my final exam is in a week." I lied, fearing that he would start scolding me if I said that I was writing and not studying for finals._

_"Oh! My hard working daughter! I want you to make sure to teach everyone a lesson and become number one!" He yelled_ _whisperingly_ _, ruffling my hair. As much as I wanted to_ _**not smile,** _ _I had to. I have never been passionate about studying medicine, nor did I ever care enough to study and get high marks for_ _**myself;** _ _I have always wanted to be a writer, who would be smart enough to write what people want to read, I wanted to relate to common people and make them relaxed by just reading my writings but I never told my parents about it, simply, because I knew they would never care; they have always made it crystal clear that I would study medicine no matter my dream was._

 _"Father, you know I can't guarantee 100% that I can do that," I faked a smile,_  
_and so did I fake my statement. I really did not care about becoming number one or anything but the only reason I got high marks is that I studied so well, and so did my intellect never fail me, to absolutely avoid my father's_ _unnecessary_ _scoldings. "I'm not the smartest out there!" I let out a small forced laugh that almost hurt my stomach due to the forceful stress._

_"I do believe in my daughter who inherited her mother's intelligence, and I know that you can make it but we will have to wait for the results to see," My father paused as he walked up to his elegant huge desk, on which numerous pieces of paper were scattered haphazardly everywhere. "I have something to tell you. I have been waiting for this moment almost my whole life!" He spoke up enthusiastically, never meeting my gaze as he searched his locker for something._

_I stood there silently, awaiting him to voice what he had to say for me, my hands crossed awkwardly in front of me._

_He walked up to me once again, a photograph in between his index and middle finger that I couldn't see so well since I wasn't wearing my glasses. He handed me the photograph, excitement brimming his features. I took the paper from in between his fingers and lifted it to my face so I could clearly see who was in the picture._

_"Who is this?" I eyed him questioningly, wrinkling my eyebrows. "I don't think I have ever seen him before."_

_"I told you before not to wander around without your glasses," Usually he would scold me for not wearing my glasses, which I despised wearing so much, but now he just laughed it off, snatching the picture out of my hand. He slightly leaned in so we could both look at the picture, and just as his vision wasn't any better than mine, he lifted up the picture and so it was dangerously close to our eyes. He pointed his finger at the person in the picture. "Look closely, you know him and he looks exactly the same as he was before."_

_I pulled the corners of my lips downwards, as to tell him that I still didn't acknowledge said man._

_"This is_ _Junmyeon_ _!" My father exclaimed as he slapped the picture with his other hand, goggling at me for not knowing such an_ _**obvious** _ _answer._

 _"_ _Junmyeon_ _wh_ _-" I paused for a second to make sure of my assumption, the name wasn't foreign to my ears, yet, it still felt foreign somehow. But realization quickly hit me when my father told me his full name._

 _**Kim** _ _**Junmyeon** _ _**.** _

_And now that his name became more familiar, his features became more familiar as well, and I remembered the person my father was referring to, whose features were really still the same as my he said a while ago, but with a much masculine mixture embellishing them. He looked outstandingly handsome and robust. "Ah! I remember him now. What is with him?" I asked, boredom sweeping my voice._

_"He will be here the day after tomorrow to meet you." My father, out of the usual, held on the same smile he had been holding on ever since I came here, making me question his whole overzealous attitude._

_"And why would he want to meet me? The only thing I remember about him is how much I hated him in elementary school but come to think of it, he suddenly disappeared, even his brother_ _Sehun_ _, I guess that was his name?" I blabbered to myself, but my voice was audible enough to be heard by my father, who was still standing closely next to me._

 _"Yes, they both studied abroad._ _Junmyeon_ _finally graduated but_ _Sehun_ _still has a few years before he can come here."_

_"I still don't see the point of meeting him?" I questioned, arching an eyebrow at him._

_"To cut things short_ _because_ _I have a meeting in an hour, let me tell you a short story. When his father and I decided to cooperate and build the very successful private hospital we possess now, we promised each other that we will convince, or lure, our children to study medicine so they can be knowledgeable enough to take over where we will both leave off. And you already know that part. One day, when we were both sitting together, including our families, we saw you,_ _Junmyeon_ _and_ _Sehun_ _playing together, you say that you hated_ _Junmyeon_ _, but back then when you were younger you really liked him, and so did he. His father and I both noticed the way you two played together, and how you even once made yourself lose on purpose in order to make him happy because he never knew how to play chess as much as you used to know how to play it. Somehow, the same idea flickered in both my and his father's mind, and ever since then we decided that there can't be a more influential and powerful couple after his father and I that could save this hospital we spent all of our youth dreaming and working on it, and so we_ _thought_ _that you both can never find a better companion for yourselves, I honestly cannot think of a better man than him that could be a husband for my lovely daughter! But you know I cannot force you to do such a thing, the_ _decision_ _is completely yours, but please, put in mind the months and years of youth and happiness I spent and ignored in order to build this hospital and that you are the only daughter I have, and that you are the only one in this world I have faith in to efficiently_ _take over my place."_

 _I was not shocked. Shock is an understatement to my horrified and terrorized condition, I can already see everything coming, and I can already see all the dreams I have left within me being crushed and scattered like a million falling drops of rain that I prayed to over and over again to help me be the person I have always wanted to become,_ _glimmering_ _and hurt after every time my father would remind me of my decided destiny. Although his very last words were only said to comfort me that it was all my_ _decision_ _as he said, somewhere in between what he said, there was a great contradiction and_ _emptiness_ _of words that could never go by_ _unnoticed_ _. The way he said it was my_ _decision_ _with a low, heavy tone but after that reminded me how I should do whatever I can or whatever he tells me to do to protect his place and part in the hospital, even if it requires demolishing yet another step of my flight of stairs._

 _"But father, I have once talked about a colleague in college before you in dinner and back then you seemed pretty much okay with it,"_ _Clutching_ _on the last string of hope that he really meant what he said when he said that it was all my_ _decision_ _, I managed to remind him of true events and of my boyfriend, whom I have mentioned before multiple times before him. "I don't think I should meet that guy the day after tomorrow because it would be pointless to do so when I already do have a boyf-" When I finally felt like I have enough courage to protest I halted_ _mid-sentence_ _in complete shock when my father's hand that was once gentle enough to pat the soft material of my dress, under which my back was, earlier, was now stained by the devilishness that shamelessly seeped and covered my father's soul thoroughly as it made a connection with my cheek._

_"Remind me if I'm wrong but did I stutter when I said that I have already arranged your meeting with him?" Anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, and even hatred were all a bunch of overly used words that lost their meanings and that could no longer fulfill what was within me. There he stood, superiorly looking down on me, as I clutched my cheek, but no, **not a slap that can stop me now, father.**  I lifted my head anew, a much furious assortment of emotions flooding my sparkling, broken eyes._

_"He is not what you think he is! My boyfriend, he is truly a good person, I know him so well! He was going to meet you soon but he was just awaiting_ _graduati_ _-" I screamed, but not loud enough to purge the emotions I neglected and piled up over the years, and not completely catheterizing my insanity, because as much as I hated the person before me, I still couldn't hurt him, by breaking my insanity and hideous side free, as much as he hurt me. Another hideously vehement slap met my cheek, making me halt once again mid-protesting._

_"Are you insane!" He threw the photograph he held on to my face, one of its edges making a sharp connection with my cheek, and it stung. I was already feeling and tasting the metallic taste, with which my blood was filled. I clutched on my head already knowing the lecture that was awaiting me after that very infamous sentence I was always met with when I dared to protest against my father. But my father's voice did not come out when someone barged into the room._

_"Bijoux!" My_ _mother's_ _high pitched voice penetrated my eardrums causing my head to hurt even more. My father angrily watched her movement as she approached the two of us, and as soon as she reached us, she screamed again upon seeing my condition. "I told you I would talk to her! Why would you do this!" She continued on screaming at my father as she fiercely pulled me into her warm embrace._

_And there I stood, physically and mentally numb, unemotionally emotional, and there I stood and I knew that all the power I had within me to feel any more emotions powdered into thin air; I did not feel anything, not sadness nor anger nor disappointment, not because my feelings were too acute to be described by such empty words, but because I was truly empty inside, I was totally void of emotions, and there was not a single drop of emotion that could accompany or finish up the emptiness exploding within me._

_I was doomed in a well functioning body_.

 

(๑و•̀ω•́)و(๑و•̀ω•́)و

 

Cough.

Another cough.

And yet another cough.

I cleared my throat in every way possible, and tried to develop a number of coughs but either they were slight coughs or strong ones, nothing really worked for me. Therefore, I tried yawning multiple times but my greedy lungs were never satisfied with the amount of air I miraculously took in. It was yet another day of those days when my heart would ridiculously skip a number of beats or irregularly add a number of unwanted ones, and when my lungs would feel heavy as if a dumbbell is pressing on them or they are being wrinkled like a piece of paper.

As much as I did not want to go around the mansion complaining like I always end up doing, I couldn't take in the pain that adopted my chest anymore, and without another attempt to relieve my pain on my own, I made my way towards the room where Junmyeon would be asleep - if he is not in his office studying another case of his.

I clutched on my chest once again when I felt my vehemently beating heart stop for a second, and inhaled a great amount of air, but failed once again to take a deep breath.

"Junmyeon," I called with a breathy voice as soon as I had pushed the door gently open but my voice came out inaudible for a human's ear to catch. Much to my relief, he was there, lying peacefully on his bed but I couldn't see if he was asleep or still awake, due to the darkness engulfing the room. "Junmyeon," I called out his name again, this time my voice much clearer and more audible.

Upon taking a few steps into the room, his figure and face became clearer. His eyes immediately fluttered open, and as soon as he had been met with my carefully approaching body, his eyebrows subconsciously wrinkled. "When did you come into the room?" His voice was raspy, and his eyes unintentionally struggled to remain open so he can fully look at me.

"Just now," I stated, my voice was soft and carefully low, trying not to cause much disturbance and annoyance to someone whom I have just woken up. I retreated to silence after a brief second of breaking it and cautiously watched him struggle to open his eyes again.

"What is it?" He finally managed to open his eyes, and his hand reached the nightstand to open the lamp next to him. As soon as we were both met with the illumination the lamp caused near our eyes, we both squinted our eyes since they have not been adapted to light yet; all sources of illumination in the mansion would always be switched off in late hours of the day like this, except for a small chandelier in the main hall, in case someone wanted to go somewhere in such hours.  

"I can't take my breath and my heart beats have been ridiculously uneven ever since I decided to go to bed." As I began talking, his eyes shot open once again, a hint of concern flickering within them. I averted my head from his direction to the side to clear my throat once again but to no avail.

"Come," He twisted his body, so he was lying on his back. "Lie down," He patted the vacant place on the bed beside him, beckoning me to take a rest on it.

I obeyed and went immediately to where I was signaled to sit. Just as I was sitting down, Junmyeon flew upwards to stand up. "Wait until I wash my face."

I waited, as he said, silently listening to my irregular heartbeats, and heavily trying to take in slow, soft breaths to fill my lungs up to try to not panic even more and cause my breaths to be even harder to take.

After a few minutes of warring with my lungs and counting my heartbeats at the same time, Junmyeon came into the room once again, holding a silver box that I assumed had some of the medical instruments he always kept in the house for any emergencies like this one.

Without a single word, he approached me and placed his box gently upon the bedside cabinet next to me. He got a stethoscope out of it and put the ear-tips into his ears.

"Move your dress a little bit," I did as I was told, and moved my silk, navy blue nightgown aside, so he can place the cold piece of stainless steel upon my warm skin, underneath which my heart worriedly jolted. After a couple of moments of silently listening to my heartbeats, he let out a long sigh and ran his hand through his hair that was ruffled everywhere after taking the cold material off my heart. "Is there anything that made you feel anxious over the night? I told you several times to not stress yourself out before going to bed. How many times do you have to end up having the same symptoms to listen to me?" His voice was brimming with pure boredom, probably mocking me for the millionth time inside his head.

"If stress was something that can be controlled, no one in this world would have ever suffered from stress," I spoke up hoarsely again, my voice barely hearable, but since the room was filled with nothing but deafening silence, there was no way he could not hear me. "Do you hear any murmurs?" I changed the topic immediately after I felt that we will be engulfed in an awkward silence.

"No, but you get premature beats every once in a while." I just nodded my head, pressing my mouth into a thin line while I pulled my the light, loose garment back to its previous place. "Can you take normal breaths? Or are they as hard as taking deep ones?" He totally ignored what I had just said, and put the stethoscope once again into his ears. "Try to take a deep breath again," On placing the cold material somewhere in between my two lungs, he ordered monotonously.

I took another deep breath, suffering to take it to the fullest, again.

"Shortness of breath isn't serious this time, I guess your breathing will become lighter and deeper as soon as your heart starts beating properly." I watched his every movement cautiously, humming upon listening to his information. It somehow felt great to have him as my husband for I, a complete coward when it comes to arrhythmias and shortness of breath, would feel completely relaxed under his intensely concentrating gaze whenever I barged into his room for similar conditions, and sometimes I would feel extremely fine after he would just physically check me like this time to the extent that I began to believe that my body was faking it all, and I began to believe that I am acting like a baby who seeks unnecessary attention all the time.

He got a sphygmomanometer out of bedside cabinet, dusting the box off. Without an exchanged word, I got the message of his gazing eyes, and I immediately straightened my body and back so I can take off my robe off, taking the easiest way to let him wrap the inflatable rubber cuff around my arm, instead of having to struggle to pull the silk, non-stretchable garment over my arm.

After finishing what he had to do, he put everything cautiously to its original place, face void of emotions and eyes dull and bored. "Blood pressure is also fine, I really do believe it is just anxiety. What do you usually do to get yourself out of this mood?" Usually, he would do these physical check ups and I, after feeling a little bit relaxed that it is not something serious, would leave the room immediately after we both have nothing more to say, but this time it was different. He asked, quietly but not not in a tedious tone, as he stretched his body and got off the chair, carelessly yanking it away to place it in its original place.

"I don't know. I usually take deep breaths to calm my heart down but this time is hard because my breaths are short," I shrugged my shoulders and straightened my back once again to jiggle my arm into the robe once again, watching Junmyeon  _watching_  me carefully.

"Have you ever tried walking in the garden when you get these symptoms?" He asked, leaning on the wall next to the window that was a few meters away from where I was seated on the bed, crossing his arms.

I exhaled while reclining on the headboard of the bed. "The strong smell of leaves mixed with flowers makes my breaths short even when I'm not sick, so I think it would only make my condition worse if I went there now."

"Lie down for a little bit then," He added, pushing himself off the wall and hurriedly walked up to me.

"Why?" I asked, even though I was already leaned and was not attempting to move anytime soon, confusion was still apparent on my face as to why he would ask me to stay in his room for longer than I would always do.

"You have to lie down so I can do a carotid massage. Does being a psychiatrist make you forget what you studied?"

"I never specialized in cardiology, so of course I lack!" I protested, slightly raising my voice.

"Yeah, of course," He jiggled his head up and down as he spoke sarcastically, taking a seat next to me, but instead of sitting on the chair he previously used to examine me, he threw his body onto the vacant place of the bed beside me. "Lie on your back and try to take deep breaths again."

After minutes of doing so, and feeling completely relaxed, his index and middle finger snaked around the upper side of my neck and pressed gently on it. After shifting his fingers for a couple of times and finding where my pulse was, he moved his fingers once again to the side and began rubbing the area gently. I moved my eyes to the corner so I can look at him, as he was leaning on the headboard, and I found him concentrated as he studied the movement of his hands carefully. While studying his face cautiously, he suddenly alerted his eyes from my neck, as he took his fingers off my neck, and briefly connected them with mine, causing me to avert my eyes immediately, mentally face palming myself, for staring for too long.

"Shouldn't you monitor my blood pressure and heartbeats while doing this?" I asked, trying to shrug the embarrassment I felt off while he placed his fingers on the same spot but on the other side of my neck.

"You shouldn't be asking someone who has done this massage for years this question." He shook his head, allowing a short-termed sarcastic laugh to escape his lips.

We retreated to silence, attentively awaiting him to finish. Suddenly, I felt a sudden wave of dizziness rush through my head.

"Wait, isn't this enough? I feel extremely dizzy all of a sudden. Is this normal?" I immediately panicked upon feeling dizzy but tried to act cool and shrug it off by asking so I wouldn't be laughed at. But my voice was still somehow shaky as I asked.

"Yes, it is normal, after a couple of minutes you will be fine." He reassured with a monotonous tone that was everything but reassuring to me.

"No, Junmyeon I feel like I'm going to faint," My hand flew upwards to grip fiercely on his wrist, panic taking over every inch of my stiff and sore body as I saw the ceiling, beneath which we were, whirling around causing my vision to become foggy. Junmyeon only stiffened his hand more so my fragile one's effort was to no avail. "Junmyeon, sto-" I breathed out, my grip loosened as I gave up and watched the dark circles dancing around the ceiling above me. My arm dropped to my side, and just as I thought those few seconds would never end; my mind stretched out the time because I let myself panic again when I felt that I could lose consciousness, Junmyeon lifted his fingers off my skin, sank into his big cushion, and crossed his legs on the bed.

My whole body felt numb, and so did my eyelashes feel heavy and loaded that they started to shut down slowly. I didn't know if I was really losing consciousness or if I was just too tired and wanted to drift into sleep but I knew that both immense forces were too strong to be defeated or protested against by my fragile body and so I only absentmindedly welcomed the conquering force that took over my body.

Much to my luck, my eyes only felt heavy because I have been tired all day, and the lack of oxygen my brain suffered from when Junmyeon massaged my neck only added insult to the injury but still, I couldn't completely drift into sleep for an unknown reason. As I fluttered my eyes open, I realized that my dizziness was slowly dying down, and the fastly whirling walls slowed down too.

"I need to go to my room," I tried to get up, supporting my stiff and heavy body with both my forearms but as soon as I had straightened myself, and recklessly flung my body to the side so I could stand on my feet once again, I felt a wave of lightheadedness strike me like lightning, and I only stood up to fall right back on the bed.

I let an inaudible, but rich with emotions, whimper upon the pounding I felt within my light head, and the shooting pain that adopted every corner of my back as soon as I had fallen onto the bed. I heard a dangerously low mocking snicker from a few centimeters behind where I helplessly laid, amusement audibly hinted. 

I managed to open my eyes to look at Junmyeon whose face retreated to being blank. "You can sleep here," His voice trailed away as if he regretted ever starting to talk, but after a slight nod of his head, he continued talking more audibly and more confidently. "Instead of walking to your room all dizzy."

After fixing my position and lying on our backs, we fell into a deep silence that no one of us dared to break. It was not an awkward silence, but rather a comforting one. I was tempted to ask him about what happened earlier in his father's office, the only thing that was bothering me all day and probably the cause of my illness, but I couldn't remind him of it, or at least now; I couldn't ruin one of the few peaceful moments we had together because I was a little bit too much curious.

 _There will always be a second time._ I thought, trying to put my curiosity to sleep, so I can drift into sleep myself.

 

‹•.•›‹•.•›‹•.•›‹•.•›‹•.•›‹•.•›

 

What just happened???? I dont know????????? The scene could have been longer but i suck at writing normal, undramatic scenes like this one,,,oops,,,,, i hope i can make the next chapter more dramatic hueheuheh

I know this chapter, despite being a filler and being ugly, took a lot of time to be written but the only reason it did so was because I needed to study her condition before writing it and i wanted to make them both sound like they both studied medicine (((i know it was horribld but please dont hate me and pleade appreciate my effort:'))))) and consider that i never really studied medicine))))))  

**Author's Note:**

>     Some Unimportant Notes    
> 
> \- This was originally going to be a sehun ff (since he is my bias) but I decided to make it a suho one because I, a suho trash, suffer to find a good fanfic of him
> 
> \- I might add members of other groups if I find that they possess the features that fit my characters
> 
> \- I am a melodrama queen who always prefers to read angst and drown in sadness so do not expect much fluff 
> 
> \- If you are a person who loves reading fluff then you are totally in the wrong place 
> 
> \- I'm open to criticism so please feel free to leave your review in the comments section 
> 
> \- For me, editing a chapter is much harder than writing one so please bear with my laziness. But if you find any fatal grammatical error that could cause a lot of misunderstanding, please, do comment so I can fix it.
> 
> \- Just as much as I am a slow reader, I am a slow writer so please be patient 
> 
> \- I approximately write 5500 words per chapter and since I personally hate short chapters I promise none of my chapters will be 3000- words
> 
> \- You will get to understand Junmyeon's character throughout the chapter so please be patient
> 
> \- Did I mention that I love when people share their opinions with me?
> 
> \- I am a gloomy person who loves drama when it comes to reading or writing so I would like to apologize immensely ahead of time, for how angsty this fanfic may turn out to be
> 
> \- This fanfic will never be rated M so do not expect much 


End file.
